Barbara Wilson-Clay wrote, in part:
> If they go to a meeting where people act superior, or form
> cliques where the "good" mothers are all "winners" and the ones who bottle
> feed are "losers" or didn't try hard enough, it creates horrible feelings
of
> shame and humiliation which are never forgotten and rarely forgiven.
While I don't doubt that meetings like this have occurred, I have witnessed
others in which a mother became defensive or offended even though the
mothers and facilitators *were* being kind and accepting of differences,
sharing their experiences and making no judgments of anyone else's.
As a mother who formula-fed her first child after a short and troubled start
with breastfeeding, I have *very* sensititive radar to judgmental comments
and was floored the time a mother stormed out of a meeting in anger because
some mothers were saying that they felt breastfeeding had helped them to
comfort older babies and toddlers as they neared their first birthdays and
had more accidents. She believed that they were misguided in crediting
breastfeeding and that their perception of this benefit was a judgment that
she was not good at comforting her own formula-fed toddler. She made a huge
leap that had little to do with what was really happening at that meeting
(except, perhaps, what she was experiencing watching so many nursing couples
for the first time) and everything to do with feelings she had not worked
through. I was able to speak with (mostly listen empathetically to) her for
a long time and she became a bit more calm (and did mention that she was
having a very time with her feelings of guilt, although she felt they didn't
affect her reaction), but she never did come back to the particular
breastfeeding support group. We all process experiences based on where we
are at the time. I still feel very sad thinking of her face, so contorted
with pain, and wonder if there's any meeting she could have attended without
feeling so angry and guilty.
> What I might say to that class of women who've been burned is:
>
> "I'm so sorry your experience with La Leche League was negative. Some
> groups do perhaps seem like a closed circle, and it's hard to undo that
> impression, although many groups are warm, accepting, and eager to help
moms
> who are struggling. ...
From the two comments I read about LLL, I didn't conclude that these women
necessarily encountered a closed circle. Perhaps that was a factor, though.
Some additional thoughts on what can happen at any meeting ...
Even if the women truly were burned by rude or judgmental statements, a
meeting of a breastfeeding support group, LLL or otherwise, is a reflection
of who shows up that day/night. Often people who come to meetings and say
insensitive things are not members who understand the group or
organization's purpose; some are first-time attendees feeling under siege
and looking for a place to let off steam. (A few will attend for a long
time, saying offbeat things, not absorbing messages about what the meetings
are and are not about, and presenting challenges for facilitators who want
to create a welcoming atmosphere.) A facilitator will generally try in
advance to dodge devisiveness with statements that embrace diversity and
will do everything possible to keep a discussion on track as it threatens to
derail. However, once someone has said something inappropriate or
judgmental, even a facilitator's comments that "we are not here to judge
anyone's choices -- we believe that any amount of breastfeeding has great
value to the mother and baby and trust families to make the best decisions
for their families" and a steering of the conversation in a positive
direction cannot erase what has been said or the hurt feelings that have
resulted.
Just some thoughts.
Janice Berry
Westerville, OH
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