Dear Fellow Lactneters:

At Dr. Auerbach insistence I am providing a bit by bit review of the
recent ILCA meeting, but more importantly,  the meeting of fellow Lactnetters.

It began promptly at 1700 when all the Lactnetters filed into a room on the
second floor.  It was too small and soon about 50 or more lactnetters were
crowded into the room.  Immediately Dr. Auerbach took control of the
meeting and we went around the room introducing each other, our interests, etc.
But repeatedly, Dr. Auerbach kept turning the discussion around to a
notorious radio host, Rush Limbaugh.  We attempted to calm her,  but finally we
called security and had her escorted from the room.

Then J. Kramer entered the room.  Now here is a tall handsome man with a camera
attached with a 3 foot lens,  and chained to his right arm was a large black
bag. I am certain I saw radio antennas eminating from this bag.  Regardless of
where you saw him at the show, he always had this bag attached.  Some of the
participants became restless about what was in this bag, particularly our
Israeli colleagues,  and we called security and had him escorted from the room.

Then in a bounding fashion came a tall good-looking woman, Pat Bull.  She said
nothing and was apparently mute.  Being interested,  I approached Ms. Bull and
she handed me a set of lewd pictures of copulating lions in Africa. She kept
pointing and saying things like "Missionary" etc.  After going all around the
room irritating everyone and showing these licentious pictures,  we called
security and had her escorted from the room.  But before she left the room, I
had her follow Jonathan to find out what was in the "Black Bag".

Then entered our dental colleague, Brian Palmer.  He was decked out in an
unusual tie and had a 8000 year old cranium in his hand.  He kept saying how a
tight frenulum had altered this prehistoric mans tooth structure.  Upon closer
examination however,  I asked him how an 8000 year old person could have such a
nice bridge and a  pair of gold crowns.  He was perplexed.  No answer,  so I
detailed Dettwyler to review the dating on this scull,  she said it might take
a year or so.  However, Palmer immediately began to go around the room
inspecting everyones frenulum.  The crowd became unsettled and called security
and had him removed from the room. We suggested he bring gloves the next time.

This process of elimination continued until there were only two individuals
left, myself (your reporter), and Evi Adams.  So I turned around to look at
Evi to see if she had violated a LACTNET law.  Here she sat with an Israeli
army cap, and a strange looking metal object sticking out of her pack.  Upon
closer examination it appeared to be an Uzi submachine gun.  She gave me this
lascivious smirk.  Frightened, I uttered that unspoken word "Rush Limbaugh" and
security ushered me from the room.

Upon exiting, I found K.Auerbach marching her troops up and down the hall four
by four. They were yelling "One, Two, Three, Chest".  "Breast is best, Breast
is best".

I joined in at the back.  As we passed a dark corridor I found Pat Bull
following J. Kramer with his black bag chained to his wrist, into the mens rest
room.  On the other side of the hall, Brian P. had a long side-burned man
trapped in the corner.  He was telling him about his bad frenulum and speach
impediment. The man kept saying, "Please, Don't step on my blue suide shoes".
Yes, he looked familiar.

So attempting to leave this riotious crowd,  I looked behind me to find Evi
Adams following me down the corridor with her Uzi strapped around her neck. I
did everything she told me to...  (Toby, please keep this woman home next
time).

So that is about everything that happened at the LactNet meeting.  Security was
glad to see us go.

Reporter Hale


PS
We never did find out what was in that black bag ?????? Pat is still working on
it.  Perhaps she'll tell us what she found out in the men's rest room.