I couldn't resist responding to the string on coercion and parenting that
occurred in the wake of the 6 yr old who was breastfeeding.  I have been
catching up on Lactnets and not in chronological order, so this post is a
bit tardy but I wanted to add my insights such as they are. I think we can
all see how we sometimes coerce our children for healthy reasons   From my
own experience, there is a subtle coercion that occurs in some families (and
sometimes not so subtle) that is definitely not healthy.  I remarried only a
little over a year ago.  My husband has three children, one of whom came to
live with us when we married and my 2 youngest, 14 and 17 also live with us.
His son is 6 mo older than my 14 yr old daughter.  His son was too perfect.
I mentioned it a few times to my husband.  This boy did what he was told,
when he was told to do it, completely.  I have said that if you told him to
do A,B,C, he does A+, B+, C+.  I don't think that's normal for a teenager.
No complaints, no backtalk.  Nothing.  Rather like a stepford child!   As it
turned out, I was right.  My stepson was doing such things I couldn't
imagine and finding ingenious ways of doing them without us knowing.  He is
now in a facility for boys who have similar problems and the upshot of
almost a year's worth of counseling for all involved is this...he believed
his parents' love was conditional on his behaviour.  Mom and Dad both.  He
was breastfed for almost a year, which amazes me knowing his mother, but
that is more detail I won't share.  Suffice it to say, both parents have
histories of dysfunctional families (and they can hide it so well until you
start living with them) and addictive personalities.  My husband was also
physically and emotionally abused by his father, suffering scars I don't
think will ever heal.  Basically, the counselor said, in order to win my
husband's love, his son put himself aside and became his father.  He is
indeed a replica of his father.  My husband doesn't yell (though mother
does) or emotionally berate.  It is a very subtle form of coercion.  You
would have to see it (or live with it) to really see how it works and it
makes me so sad.  There was also a lot of turmoil in that family for it's
whole history and this child was the "peacemaker", the clown that helped
cover over the problems.  Now he has to learn who HE is, not who he thought
he had to be.  And in my  mind it would be a victory to have him argue with
his dad.  He never has.

I don't know any more than anyone else what is going on in the family that
was in the news, I just wanted to address this issue of coercion and how it
is possible for a child to nurse even if that isn't his wish.  I wouldn't
have believed it if I hadn't had this experience.  I hope this isn't what is
going on, but I just think, it is within the realm of possibility.

Marsha Glass RN, BSN, IBCLC who is still amazed at how children survive
their childhood and indeed this world in the absence of healthy attachment
parenting or any reasonable resemblance.  Guess that just underlines how
very important our work is to the world community....

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