In a message dated 10/29/0 12:31:15 AM, [log in to unmask] writes:
<< but i feel that this, is further proof of how little we value
our children in america, that a woman believes that having a baby would mean
the end of her relationship with a man, and would do this. >>
Carol,
How much can this woman possibly value herself? We cannot give to others what
is not within us. What I find compelling is that even this woman, in her
skewed world view, understood the "bonding" inherent in breastfeeding. I do
believe that many, many women seem to be missing that "mother bear" drive
that others of us have, but I think it is really less about her fear of
losing a man than her fear of gaining her own power as a mother. Human beings
are more compelled to move away from pain than they are compelled to move
toward pleasure. As I interpret this, she is moving away from the pain of
attachment more than she is moving toward the "pleasure" of a "relationship".
It is likely that the attachment would raise emotions she cannot deal with.
I recently recieved a phone call from a former staff member of mine who
had been in a very abusive relationship. The last contact I had with her was
2 years ago when I refused to give her money. She called me last week and
told me she had left her husband and really needed a friend. A few moments
later I heard her talking with a man. She asked me to "say hi to my boyfriend
so he will know who I'm talking to and chill out". This woman has 2 young
children. I refused to talk to him and told her that she was not in a
different place at all than she had been. She hung up on me.
My point is that this woman is far more fearful of the pain of taking
control of her own life, than she is of losing the "relationship" she has. I
saw this so many times when I worked at the hospital. I do not mean to
oversimplify the complex nature of human beings, but I do think that it is
very typical for women who have never been lovingly mothered to fear the
emotions that come with truly mothering a baby. This does not mean that women
must remain victims. We make choices everyday which can change the course of
our lives.
The desire to avoid attachment shows itself everyday in ways which are
acceptable by society. This mother just acted outside of acceptable
constructs. IMO, it may be her honesty in acknowledging her motives (re:
breastfeeding) which will cause as much outrage as her actions. If a mother
births in complete detachment, artificially feeds, use every contraption
possible to separate from her baby and then goes back to work 40 hours per
week at 6 weeks pp, she is protected in her actions by our non-judgemental
protocol. In her intention, from her world view, this mother was protecting
her baby. IMO, there is a big huge double standard happening in our society
about what constitutes maternal instinct and about what society or
individuals are "allowed" to judge.
Jennifer Tow, IBCLC, CT, USA
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