What fascinating sharing you are doing!  And what a strong sense of
responsibility we have, along with the joys of our parenting.

Barbara W-C writes:  There is no
guarantee that any "system" of child rearing will always give good results...

How right she is.  I suggest that we not choose our many different
parenting decisions so that...whatever.  It usually back fires.  We parent
within our Truth. We do what we do because it feels like the best thing at
the time and if we change our minds, we change our ways. Personally, I wish
that I had been wiser sooner, but, as my daughter, Alison, said, "You can't
get any sooner than now."

It is never too late to heal whatever we wish we had done differently.

To the person whose teen is troubled, I want to say that my daughters (31
and 27) have pointed out to me, often, that some of the most troubled of
their classmates have "got it together" now, and are solid citizens and
good parents and are young adults that any parent can be proud of.

I worked with a family last week with the second baby I had helped with.
Dad told me that he is a recovering alcoholic.  I never would have guessed.
 He is one great dad, and he said that nothing he has every done has
brought him the joy and meaning that parenting his little ones does.

My next door neighbor's daughter was very problematic in high school,
including not finishing school.  Her parents worried constantly about her
choices and her safety.  She is now married to a fine man and is mother of
a 2 year old, whom she treasures.  She does small part time work and is
highly respected for her dependability. She has matured into a lovely young
woman.

One summer when Lia was in college she chose to tell me all of the things
that I did "wrong" in her up-bringing, and that were causing her troubles.
I remember the day so well!  I could see that she was right, and that my
flaws and unhealed parts were played out in my relating to my children.

I was growing lower and lower, when she noticed, and said, "You seem
bothered by all of this."

"Well, yes I am bothered that my mothering causes you distress," I eeked
out.

Her reply was, "Oh, I'm not sorry about what you did.  Everybody I know has
problems. If you had done anything different, I would have had different
problems and I like the ones that I have better than the ones that my
friends have."

"That sounds like a compliment."

"Yes, it is!"

I truly thought that if I let my children know that they were treasured and
helped them make decisions for themselves and taught them, by example, how
to be compassionate toward others, that they would have flawless self
esteem, firm self confidence, select good partners, make wise decisions,
find fulfilling jobs, and generally have mostly trouble-free lives.

They do know that they were (and are) treasured, they do make decisions for
themselves, they are compassionate toward others...but they tell me about
feeling incompetent, they have not yet found the "right" jobs, they don't
accept criticism without great pain,  and they doubt their abilities.  They
are not trouble free.

But they are not "finished" yet. And, for the most part, they do make
decisions based on what is good for them. Fortunately, when they don't,
they make another decision and go in another direction.  I am proud of
them, but I still weep when they are troubled.

I do believe that the foundation of breastfeeding, sharing sleep and
interests and joys and sorrows, are all making for a humanness that is
real.  It is hard to grow up, and real humans experience all of the human
emotions.  Our children, whom we are talking about here, learned that we
want to hear about their pain and joys. They will all have different ways
of living out their difficulties in growing up, and we will still be there
for them--in the night as well as in the day. In their Darkness as well as
in their Light.

I hope that the 20/20 program will invite other parents to trust enough to
experience the human intimacy that we all long for.

Pat Gima, IBCLC
Milwaukee, Wisconsin


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