I've been interested in people's reactions to my post ("Ron Mac Don") in
which I suggested that it's reasonable for the management at Ronald
MacDonald House to ask people using the common rooms to consider the effect
of their actions on the other parents and children who are also entitled to
use the space. 

I'm not a lawyer (thank goodness!), but it's common sense to me (no pun
intended) that nursing in public...say, in a park...is not entirely the same
situation as nursing in the common room of a shared living arrangement. A
bystander at RMH has fewer options for avoiding something that disturbs them
than a bystander in the park. I fervently support the right of the mother
and child to breastfeed/nurse both in the park and in the common room at
RMH. I'm just saying that a casual passer-by in the park is not in the same
relation to the nursing mother as another resident of RMH, who we can assume
is dealing with a major stress and is just as worried about her/his child as
the nursing mother is about her child. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not excusing the RMH management for harassing
Jessica and her family. And I'm not comparing a toddler at the breast (which
to me is a normal and nice thing to see) to a child whose appearance is
disturbing because of surgery or injury or medical therapy. And in a perfect
world, nobody would need to be "educated" about why moms and their children
nurse for comfort or for any other reason. 

But speaking as a person who shared living quarters for several years with
people besides family members, I have learned that things usually work
better if people try to respect each others' feelings about what happens in
the common space. You would hope that all the grownups at RMH are focused on
helping ALL of the sick kids feel better...and on supporting each other,
too, if they have energy left for that. You would hope that there was enough
space to accommodate the people who want to talk quietly and the kids who
need to rough-house or act silly to let off steam. You would hope that a
person who was uncomfortable with whatever's going on in one part of the
common space would be able to find another corner where they don't have to
deal with it...and that the judgment about what makes them uncomfortable
would be left up to them. And you would hope that RMH managers would be
skilled at facilitating ad hoc parent-to-parent support and resolving any
conflicts that arise.

We have heard Jessica's story about the conflict that did arise, and about
the unskilled management on the part of RMH staff. Compared to how things
were going over the weekend, when the conflict and the inept management
response were raising the stress level of the family in question, it seems
to me that the resolution that was reached after the meeting on Monday is a
reasonable one, which validates the feelings of the people on both sides.
The breastfeeding family still may breastfeed their toddlers and preschooler
ad lib in the shared space, but they are asked to make a couple of minor
nods to the effect this behavior may have on other people in the common room
(and let me guess...extended nursing is not the cultural norm in Texas?
[tongue in cheek]). 

So what are these minor nods? a) nurse "discreetly" as defined by the
nursing mother herself, and b) let people know before you begin.

The debate about nursing discreetly goes way back in LLL history. I remember
hearing about signs being posted at an LLLI conference reminding people to
be aware of their effect on hotel staff and other guests when they nursed. I
remember people being reminded at the end of an LLL conference that they
were going back to the Real World...meaning "Think twice before you whip it
out in the airport." And lots of people reacted to these admonitions by
saying, "Too bad for the bystanders. They OUGHT to see more people nursing,
starting with me!"

So we're not going to resolve the debate about discreet nursing on this
thread, and that doesn't bother me. After all, many of you know me as the
author of a breastfeeding fight song with the chorus "Uppity Mamas all over
the place, feeding their babies right in your face..." I think my
credentials are safe.

For me, the fact that the mother herself gets to define "discreet"-and
that's a word I don't especially like, but it's the one that was used in
this situation-is crucial. I know that nursing in the nude after bathing
with my kid was great and we both loved it, but I wouldn't do it in public.
And I would bet money that a mother who is nursing a three-year-old or one
who is nursing seventeen-month-old twins knows which items in her wardrobe
are going to work best for public nursing. Not the jacket with the zipper
that tempts the kid to tease you by opening it. Not the scoop-neck peasant
blouse that's vulnerable to exploration by busy hands.  Choose the
sweatshirt, where the only breast access is to duck underneath, or the
overalls where you can just swing the bib to the side. So just wearing the
right clothing could be all the mom has to do to comply with her own
definition of "discreet." 

As for letting other parents in the room know that you're about to nurse,
what's wrong with that? I don't think it's "trumpeting" to say something
like, "You know, X is having a lot of pain and nursing is the only thing
that seems to help him. I hope it doesn't bother you." ...or "Y has been
missing me while I was across the street with X, and when I get back he's
just gotta nurse to be sure I'm really here. I hope you're OK with that."
Both of those would be true statements of how things are going in this
family; they acknowledge that the other person might be uncomfortable; they
might even initiate a dialogue about the challenges of parenting and the
various ways we find to comfort our children.

They say that you have to avoid three topics if you want to get along with
other people without conflict: sex, religion, and politics. Probably we
should add parenting to that list, too. People feel really strongly about
the parenting choices they make. Many people (at least the Western
middle-class people that I know best) spend lots of time considering how to
raise their kids. And many people (not only the Western middle class) feel
it's OK to criticize other people's choices. The RMH is a place where people
are by definition making difficult choices about treatments for a gravely
ill child, and when Fate has thrust them together in the RMH common room, It
would be great if they could all give each other some extra tolerance,
because they're all in the same boat. That's all I'm saying.

Chris Mulford, RN, IBCLC
LLL Leader Reserve
Working for WIC in South Jersey (Eastern USA)
Chair, Workplace Bf Support Committee, USBC
Co-coordinator, Women & Work Task Force, WABA
 
 

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