Joy wrote:
This issue has fascinated me.  The woman makes her decisions, but what
makes her choose that way?  The 'what about me' often (in my experience)
comes from a woman who has probably lacked nurturing herself.  The old
saying "baby a baby while she is a baby and you won't have to baby her for
the rest of her life" fits in here..........

Joy - your use of the word 'adaptation' I believe is a key to this. Mums
with first baby,who appear to be torn between 'what about me' and 'what
about the baby' seem to have a great deal of difficulty 'adapting' to the
maternal role. They also appear to have - for whatever reason - a great
deal of confusion about 'mothering' generally. This goes for fathers and
their concepts on being able to nurture also. The concept of an infant
needing to be with his mother is a foreign one - something that only
happens in ?primitive societies. In our society we generally don't rear our
daughters to be home bodies - they are educated to achieve and survive in
the corporate world - its a jungle out there!

and yes I agree about the impact of being nurtured on the ability to
nurture your own infants. I believe we are seeing the results of
generations of parents who have been heavily involved with work/careers
(for whatever reason) in the inability of their children to adapt as new
parents - they have not learned how to do it? not as children themselves
nor as adults in an increasingly complex world. (But how do we explain
women who have poor nurturing in their own backgrounds who go on to nurture
their own?) Thus those who grow up in an environment where birth,
breastfeeding, family, illness and death are part and parcel of daily life
- not hidden away - but shared by the whole community, just get on with it
and are supported within that environment. Any comments Kathy D?

There is increasing discussion about parents backing off from childrearing,
preferring instead the orderly, known environment of the workplace. An
environment where they have some control and a say in what they do? to me
this is a symptom of parents running the other way because they simply
can't handle being parents - fear is a powerful motivator! They want to get
it right and be the best parents possible but don't know how. The growing
belief by high childcare users is that they (the parents) couldn't possibly
provide all the care that their child needs? I think that is very telling
of the lack of confidence in one's own abilities to parent. A very sad
indictment indeed.

Yes our bodies are truly wonderous - we all have the essentials to nurture,
but we also have a demon - our brain! and we all know what an impact that
can have, don't we!
warm regards
jenni
RN RM IBCLC in private practice and mother to Daniel, Alicia, Michael,
Ashley, Leighton & Kathryn
[log in to unmask]
"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hold on!"

Joy wrote:
This issue has fascinated me.  The woman makes her decisions, but what
makes her choose that way?  The 'what about me' often (in my experience)
comes from a woman who has probably lacked nurturing herself.  The old
saying "baby a baby while she is a baby and you won't have to baby her for
the rest of her life" fits in here.

How is it that an educated, confident, strong-willed woman who was
previously out in the big world can suddenly adjust to being with a little
baby whose demands must be met immediately?  Not only adapt, but thoroughly
enjoy the experience for the period of the child's dependence (variable),
then get back into the big world again somewhere down the track?  I don't
think it has anything to do with
< we do rear our daughters to be independent individuals>
The logical alternative would be to rear our *daughters* to be home-bodies.
 (what do we do with our sons, in that world?)

I found a lot of insight into the adaptation issue through the Annals of
the New York Academy of Sciences Vol 652 - *Oxytocin in Maternal, Sexual
and Social Behaviours*.  The relationship of psychological and
neuroendocrine factors fascinates many.
Our bodies are wonderfully made.  Women are made to be able to nurture
babies.






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