Hi Melinda, sad story about the crying mom.

People have focused on the dad's attitudes in posts so far, but here are two
other things I thought about, both having somewhat more to do with the
*mom's* own feelings.  It's true that some dads really are ogres but that is
not the only possible explanation for a telephone call like this one.

One is that sometimes, when a mom feels "trapped" by the intensity of caring
for a high-needs baby, that panic about her own intensity of involvement can
sometimes read to the dad as "You *can't* do anything for this baby, I *have
to* do all of it."  With one of my kids I went through a time like this, with
the predictable (but not to me!) result that my husband really withdrew from
the whole situation.  In our case it was with an older toddler, and I know
others who have experienced similar dynamics with adolescents, but I'm sure
many of us have seen this with newborns; since it has more to do with the
parents than with the child I think it can really happen at any time.   In
our case it took a lot of painful talking before either of us was able to
articulate what we each were feeling and develop some strategies for
involving him more; these felt real self-conscious at first but over a while
they really did defuse some of the tensions.    Does this mother seem to have
really talked with the dad?


The other thing I thought about is PPD.  Depressed people will frequently a)
see everything as insoluble, and b) then develop inappropriate or unhelpful
"plans" in response to this.    If this poor mom is in the grip of some
serious PPD, her description of her husband might, just possibly, not have
anything really to do with his behavior, but more with what's going on in her
head.    The description "My husband is distant, my baby is too hard, and
what I am doing to help my baby just makes it worse, so I am just going to
decrease my own involvement with both of them" really raises depression flags
for me.   Sometimes the best answer to what seems like a bad husband is
really Zoloft...


Good luck to you and her --

Elisheva Urbas
lay bf worrier in NYC

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