The use of the word "guilt" when referring to a mother who has suffered a
SIDS death and later learns about the "back to sleep" or the use of a
pacifier makes me even more aware than ever of the inappropriate use of the
word "guilt".

Guilt, in my definition is when I do something I know I should not do!
Whether copying from another's test, driving after drinking, or beating a
child - GUILT is appropriate then!

Mothers who suffer a SIDS death want so badly for it NOT to be "unexplained"
that they even accept feeling guilty rather than the horrible feeling that
"we don't know why".

I have dealt with a SIDS death in my own family, and decades later the pain
erupts again, feelings almost as strong as when we first got the call.  Even
guilt feels better, gives relief, an explanation.

However, I do not believe the true feeling is guilt - it is pain, and the
desire for a reason, an explanation, and "knowing" that: NOW I could control
this, prevent this...if I were in that situation again!  

Diane Weissinger has made us all much more aware of the words we use -
certainly I have looked more carefully at what I say - and when talking to
moms who use the word "guilt" in relation to bottle feeding or SIDS - I ask
more questions, reflect feelings again and again - until we can identify the
TRUE feelings (frustration, regret, anger, despair).  

Usually this leads to tears, then a deep sigh - and the ability to go on, to
move to another stage, to evolve.  The deep sadness NEVER leaves - but it
seems to be cushioned (I almost visualize it as a raw nerve that is now
"myelinized") with understanding, care and compassion.

Jeanette Panchula, BSW, RN, PHN, IBCLC

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