Rebecca, I see Dads like this often. The reason support from the spouse is
so significant in breastfeeding success is not only the support, but also the
'poor Daddy wants to feed the baby' syndrome. Haha. You know, I like these
Dads. They want what Mommy has. They want a close intimate bond that seems to
them to be blissful. They can see her face when she nurses, they can watch
their baby melt and relax into mom with a comfortable feeding. Of course they
are envious. Everywhere they turn they are being told bond, be involved, don't
let her have it all. Hhaa. Years past they were more than glad to let her
have it all. So, I play that card for them. Praise how lucky their baby is to
have a Dad who loves them so fiercely. Talk about the role of the male as the
supreme protector of the mother/baby couple. That all he does now to protect
his wife and support her is also protecting his baby and an expression of his
love for them. Then we talk about the magic of skin to skin. That yes, mom
can nurse, feed and cuddle her baby, but just because he is not the 'feeder'
does not mean he cannot do every thing but. I also play on that love by telling
them how sad the baby would be if what he loves and knows is replaced with a
bottle when he wants his mommy. And that if Daddy insists on it, the baby will
think Daddy won't let him have his mommy. Not a loving thing to do. Haha.
(Grant you this has to be modified for the mom who is returning to work, having
difficulties, etc. and really is only for those moms who want to be
breastfeeding without bottles.) I have actually had a baby start to show signs of
distress with Daddy because he was forcing a bottle when the baby wanted to nurse.
The couple were fighting over this, the mother in tears because Dad INSISTED
he WILL get this baby to take a bottle. He did, but after that every time
Dad came near the baby he screamed and cried. He would arch and scream if Dad
tried to hold him until his mom took him back. Not a nice thing for Dad, and
surely a sad thing for baby. Mom had to return to work in 2 weeks and Dad was
going to be home with baby, so this had to be fixed. It made me realize how
my feelings that the baby is not happy with the bottle like he is with the
mom's breast were on target. We had Dad do a lot of skin to skin with mom beside
him, right after nursing and if baby fussed Dad would give the baby back and
let mom comfort and then return to dad skin to skin again. After a few days
baby was content with dad again, and then they reintroduced the bottle more
gently without the pressure of dad's insistence---now that he knew his baby loved
him, just loved breasts too.
I feel so sorry for the baby who has a daddy unwilling to set aside his pride
and 'needs' for the good of his child. Letting his jealousy take control is
not 'fatherly' behavior at all. And sometimes, I think that jealousy is not
about mom and baby, but about baby and mom. You know---jealous of the baby, not
so much wanting to be part of the baby's feedings, just not liking that mom
loves this baby so much and he is not the one she is doting on. Sometimes no
matter what, the dad doesn't care. He wants to feed the baby, period. That is
not love, that is control. Control over the mother's relationship with the
baby, control over the baby. No. Not about love at all.
You know, I am all for the idea that dads are important. I just don't care so
much for the idea that dads need to be moms to be important. We are
different for a reason and babies need us both.
Take care,
Pam MazzellaDiBosco, IBCLC
Florida, USA
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