Kate, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers this Easter.
Julie
"Kate Cropp WHNP, IBCLC, MSN" <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
Fellow Lactnetters, I feel the need to share with you as I network around the country at
conferences and here on Lactnet as well.
Unfortunately, I have bad news. Our baby died on Monday (3-17-08), still in my womb. I
knew it in my soul before they could tell us. My little one wasn’t moving, and I couldn’t
find a heat beat on my personal fetal Doppler (I am an OG/GYN nurse practitioner and
IBCLC).
Against everything we would choose for a live birth, we chose to be induced and we
delivered at the large university hospital where I work. We had only 4 weeks till the
“guess date”.
The experience was am amazing and terrifying experience, but we're glad that we finally
got to meet our "little dude #2". The nurse-midwives at the hospital were awesome, as
was the staff. I was terrified to deliver in a hospital, let alone on the units where I work;
but it all worked out so amazingly well.
My labor was only felt in the lowest segment of my uterus- it wasn’t pleasant; it is
supposed to move up to the top of the uterus. There was little to no amniotic fluid and my
baby had his hand coming out before his head. So the pressure waves were pressing on
the hardest baby parts- pushing them against my bowels and lowest part of my pelvic
bones. Luckily, it wasn’t back labor! The belly lift technique helped a bit, but a tub of
water would have been perfect! I was able to use the shower, and I wasn’t monitored
much at all.
We had a doula with us, God bless her, for two days during the induction. She was able to
help me go deeper as often as I needed. My brain was so fried after 3 days of physical
and emotional exhaustion. Our doula was a God-send. I could totally “zone out” during
much of my labor while listening to the Hypnobabies CDs, but sometimes my grief took
over and I’d be back to needing lots of assistance to go deeper.
The last time I got up to empty my bladder; I got back on the bed in all-fours. I was at
that point of “I can’t take this anymore” (after all it had been 36 hours of induction). But
my midwives and doula reminded me that my baby was soon to be born. I was only 8cm
dilated, but felt an urge to breathe my baby down with the waves, so I did.
My midwife broke the small amniotic sac; it had less than a ½ cup of fluid in it. Then we
found my son’s hand coming out before his head. The midwife was able to push that back
up over his head and I delivered him in 4 strong pushes! I breathed through them all- no
holding my breath.
With my older son (who was 10lb 2oz and 24 inches long) I was totally unmedicated, but
exhausted in a different way and never felt the urge to push- I just did it when they told
me. Though I was exhausted this time, I felt such strong urges to push. My instinct took
over, dismissing the “fact” that I was “8cm”. I am glad I did. I say now that I would take
my first son’s labor and my second son’s delivery any day! Hypnobabies gave me the
tools, and the prayers from our family and friends gave me the strength to do it!
Our older son was right! We had a boy. He was welcomed into this world at 8:20pm on
Thursday 3-20-08. He was 5 lb 11oz and 22 inches long. He would have been another
large and long baby!
He has my fingers & toes, nose & mouth. He has my husband’s cheeks & chin, and length,
of course. He is just perfect in every way. He looks much like our older son does now,
but our older son looked different at his own birth.
We had a professional photographer from an organization called “Now I Lay Me Down To
Sleep” come do pictures of the family and the baby. She stayed for 4-5 hours, away from
her own young child, to help us grieve our loss. And we’ll now have beautiful, permanent
reminders of our little boy. We also got the NICU staff to make plaster molds of his hands
and feet. They’re beautiful!
Our older son understands better than we thought. We brought his younger brother home
for a few hours and got to have a good conversation about the baby. He was so excited to
see and hold his baby brother immediately. He counted fingers and held his hand. He
kissed his head and fingers. He now knows that the baby had no heartbeat, and he seems
to understand that explanation. But it is all concrete. We don't say "he went to sleep" or
"he was sick" or "he lives with Jesus in Heaven". These phrases may scare him from
going to sleep, being sick or talking about Jesus in school and church. He is still a "Giant
Brother" and has a baby brother who died.
I am so happy that my older son still nurses every once in a while (he is 3.5 years old)
He has picked up, even a bit more than usual. And he is gulping again! I can cling to an
aspect of babyhood even though he is a preschooler (not to mention it helps with the
bleeding). It really is just completing the natural cycle of things. Being an IBCLC, I’d be a
hypocrite if I didn’t donate my sons’ milk. It is the least I can do for another family out
there. My first beautiful yellow milk was well over 80ml. Now I just have to decide where
to donate.
We will move forward, optimistic that we will expand our family again someday. Having
faith that, whatever the reason, this isn’t a punishment from God. Our little boy was a
blessing in my body, and will continue to be forever in our hearts. We loved him while he
was growing, and we love him now.
In loving memory of Baby Boy #2.
Kate, Jordan & Henry Cropp
Nashville, Tennessee, USA
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