>I am trying to put together a class for Grandparents at the hospital.  Might
>include
>grandparents to-be, as well as Grandparents of newly delivered babies, and
>also
>seasoned Grandparents.  Any information you could share with me would be
>greatly
>appreciated.

Tammy, I wrote a reply to someone in 1997 about grandmothers.  I'll send it
again.  I know that grandmothers have a strong effect on a new mother, both
negative and positive.

Pat Gima, IBCLC
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Nancy, I want to begin on a negative note and quickly move to a most
positive one.  Recently I worked with a mother who was doing well with
breastfeeding, with only a few problems that we were resolving.  Per doc's
recommendation, there was to be some temporary bottle feeding.  I suggested
the Haberman and was showing them how to use it.  The grandmother had been
totally detatched and disinterested in all that was going on for days and
didn't seem interested in the baby.  But when she took the bottle and began
feeding the baby, she cuddled him talked to him, made eye contact and really
enjoyed him.  Five hours later the new mom called to say that she was
stopping breastfeeding.  I was stunned, and later as I thought back over the
days I was working with her this scene came clearly to mind.  The rejection
of her mother with breastfeeding and the sense of appreciation and
comraderie with bottle feeding was too great a pull.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Now.  I have a friend who has about 8 grandchildren, one just one month old,
so I called her today to see what she had to suggest.  It was a great
conversation.  When she has gone to help with a new baby she says the most
important thing she wants to accomplish is to assure the new parents that
*they* are the competent ones.

This recent new mother is the youngest of 7 children and my friend wanted to
be especially assuring of her competence.  She said she took every
opportunity to point to ways that the new parents were skilled--every thing
she could see.  She would say, "Oh, I just love to watch you talking to him
and holding him.  Look how responsive he is to your voice." (or eyes or
touch.) If the parents asked her how to do something she often said, "Well,
the way you are doing it seems to be working so well. You read your baby's
needs and you seem to be in touch with your instincts.  There are many ways
to do these things, but the important thing is to read your baby and
yourselves." She said that they would just "glow" when she said these things.

Another thing she did was to celebrate the breastfeeding by bringing the new
mom a glass of water or juice while she was feeding or to do cleaning chores
to give mom and baby time alone. What the mom was doing was the important
thing. She made it clear that baby-tending was not her job, also not to
"protect" the new mom from the demands of her new baby. She often spoke of
the perfect health of this baby and how he was thriving on her milk. They
would celebrate every wet diaper or bm, rejoice over the leaking milk, and
relax and visit with some of the feedings.

When mom was tired she encouraged her to go to bed with the baby and get
some rest--never taking the baby while she rested or rescuing her from her
responsibilities.

One interesting thing she said is that she tried to not be "too" efficient
and perfect in the housekeeping help she gave, so that the new mom didn't
feel that she wouldn't be able to meet those standards on her own. She fixed
good simple meals--not gormet ones, she did the laundry but not in
split-second time, and she didn't try to keep a perfectly tidy, spotless
living area.  I would not have thought of all of that.

And one of my favorite gifts she gave this young mother was that she often
commented on how beautiful she looked. This young woman has had some body
image concerns and my friend told her often of how lovely her full breasts
were, rich with all of that lucious milk for her baby. She honored her full,
mother's body, so comforting for her baby--and she meant it too. She told
her that she had never seen her skin so glowing and her eyes so sparkling as
when she looked at her little one. She took a lot of pictures of the parents
and the new baby and of her daughter feeding her baby--again celebrating
this wonderful experience.

Her daughter commented to her mother that she had no idea that she would be
so in love with her baby.  She asked if that was normal, as she hadn't heard
other mothers say that. My friend assured her of the beauty of it and told
her how she had felt holding her as an infant.

Nancy, thank you for asking the question.  It made for a wonderful
conversation with my friend, who all of us would like to have come help with
our new babies.:)

Patricia Gima, IBCLC
Milwaukee

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