Dear Friends:
I hope you all get a chuckle or two out of this. The topics are all
relevant to LACTNET, and have been discussed here in the past month.
Warmly, Nikki Lee
PREGNANCY STUFF
Q: Am I more likely to get pregnancy if my husband wears boxers rather than
briefs?
A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything
at all.
Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: My blood type is 0+ and my husband's is A-. What if my baby is born,
say, type AB+?
A: Then the jig is up.
Q: My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be
beautiful enough for commercials. Who
should I contact about this?
A: Your therapist.
Q: I'm two months pregnancy now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for
big noses are dominant, my baby
will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have
grown. Is there anything that
gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnancy woman and a Playboy
Centerfold?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll fell during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that tornado might be called an air current.
Q: I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in
that delicate position?
A: Authorized personnel only - doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers,
florists, cleaning crews,
journalists, etc.
Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A: In your breasts.
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.
Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q: What are the terrible twos?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q: What is the grasp reflex?
A: The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.
Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and
puts him to sleep first.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: What causes baby blues?
A: Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Q: What is colic?
A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
ODDS AND ENDS
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with
a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" His mother
smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to
sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big
sissy."
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