Dear Friends:
    I hope you all get a chuckle or two out of this. The topics are all
relevant to LACTNET, and have been discussed here in the past month.
Warmly, Nikki Lee

                                                         PREGNANCY STUFF

Q:  Am I more likely to get pregnancy if my husband wears boxers rather than
briefs?
A:  Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything
at all.

Q:  What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A:  Have sex once a year.

Q:  What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A:  For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q:  My blood type is 0+ and my husband's is A-.  What if my baby is born,
say, type AB+?
A:  Then the jig is up.

Q:  My husband and I are very attractive.  I'm sure our baby will be
beautiful enough for commercials.  Who
     should I contact about this?
A:  Your therapist.

Q:  I'm two months pregnancy now.  When will my baby move?
A:  With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q:  How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A:  If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q:  My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for
big noses are dominant, my baby
     will have a big nose as well.  Is this true?
A:  The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q:  Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have
grown.  Is there anything that
     gets smaller during pregnancy?
A:  Yes, your bladder.

Q:  The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me.  Why?
A:  Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q:  Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A:  No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q:  Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A:  When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q:  What's the difference between a nine-month pregnancy woman and a Playboy
Centerfold?
A:  Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q:  My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll fell during labor, but
pressure.  Is she right?
A:  Yes, in the same way that tornado might be called an air current.

Q:  I'm modest.  Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in
that delicate position?
A:  Authorized personnel only - doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers,
florists, cleaning crews,
     journalists, etc.

Q:  Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A:  Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q:  Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A:  In your breasts.

Q:  Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A:  Yes, baby lips.

Q:  How does one sanitize nipples?
A:  Bathe daily and wear a clean bra.  It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q:  What are the terrible twos?
A:  Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q:  What is the grasp reflex?
A:  The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.

Q:  Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A:  Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and
puts him to sleep first.

Q:  Do I have to have a baby shower?
A:  Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q:  What causes baby blues?
A:  Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Q:  What is colic?
A:  A reminder for new parents to use birth control.


                                                            ODDS AND ENDS

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
small boy into bed.  She was about to turn off the light when he asked with
a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"  His mother
smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.  "I can't dear," she said.  "I have to
sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:  "The big
sissy."

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