<3) it's self-protective (or so it seems to them); they're distancing
themselves from whatever guilt and sadness they may feel about their own
birth or early days of parenting. . . or who just looks back and maybe
wishes she'd done some things differently, it's a kind of hardening into
justification for the way she did do it.>

Cathy, I think you are SO insightful.

<IME, the
more guilt and sorrow she feels for her own early parenting, the more
harsh
she is about others' wishes.>

I recognize this tendency in so many nurses in the maternity ward, in
some ways, living vicariously through "taking over" the parenting of the
babies. I think there was (and still is) a lot of that going on in me
during my professional life. I hope that I have been able to turn the
envy around most of the time into empathy for both new parents and
grandparents. (BTW, in "journal cruising" at a Health Science library
last night, I saw an excellent, insightful article on this in the newest
Nursing Times.)

<Sadly, as the years go by, this often turns
into what I think of as "The Perfect Mother Syndrome" - "I did
such-and-such, my children are fine, therefore the way I did it must be
the
right way, therefore I have the right to hold myself up as a model>

This seems to happen as well as to many, many grandmothers. It's SO  hard
for new moms to carve out their "new mother" role while grandma is
looking on her as always as "her child", and perhaps, living a little
vicariously through her, too.

I spoke to a mother yesterday whose baby is 3 weeks old. She had spent
the first week at her mom's house and had some difficulty teaching the
baby to latch. The day before, her mother "came over and took the baby
home for a few days because she was lonesome for him."

The daughter apologetically said that she hadn't yet begun to pump in
preparation for her RTW in 3 weeks, so didn't have any milk saved yet to
send along. Thought that TODAY she might start doing that!

No concept about what this interruption would do to her breasts (seemed
kind of ominous that it had not already started), her milk production
capability or the baby's possible development of nipple preference! The
red flags made my hair stand on end!

She also said that the baby had lost weight at his 2 week check-up but
"The staff in the doctor's office had helped her latch correctly", and
the baby's next appointment was in September! I must have asked whether
she thought her mother  was concerned that she needed to take over the
baby's care for a while till he started gaining.

She, sort of childlike, wistfully said she really didn't think so, she
guessed her mother was truly "just lonesome" for the baby. She appeared
to have passively accepted this explanation hook, line and sinker.

I hope that some of what I said about it being difficult to start acting
like a mother of your own child when you still feel so much like your
mother's respectful daughter gave her some insight and that what I said
about preserving her milk supply sank in.

I invited her to call and arrange to come in for weight checks and to
bring grandma and baby along to our WBW celebration and to have a mother
and baby picture taken with Grandma in it too. And  I sent her some of
Dianne W's literature (some of my favorites - "Better than
Breastfeeding", and "3 course meal and a dance" and "Triple Nipples"),
hoping it would speak to her for me this week.

Somehow, I wonder what we will hear when our appointment book
triggers the next "encouragement" call to her. Who needs soap operas when
there is real life to observe?

Jean
-------------------------------
K. Jean Cotterman RNC, IBCLC
Dayton, Ohio

___________________________________________________________________
Get the Internet just the way you want it.
Free software, free e-mail, and free Internet access for a month!
Try Juno Web: http://dl.www.juno.com/dynoget/tagj.

             ***********************************************
The LACTNET mailing list is powered by L-Soft's renowned
LISTSERV(R) list management software together with L-Soft's LSMTP(TM)
mailer for lightning fast mail delivery. For more information, go to:
http://www.lsoft.com/LISTSERV-powered.html