Having lost my first child at 19 months, I can certainly identify with
the excruciating grief felt by Tina's client in Ohio as she feels this
new life developing. The next pregnancy after an infant death contains
all the labile emotions of the first, magnified about a hundredfold,
and the gutwrenching fear of loss persists until the next child is
well beyond the age at which the first one died. So what helps?
- Being in touch with other mothers who have lost babies and survived
and gone on to have healthy babies who grow up. The hospital should
have a support group including such parents; otherwise try the
Compassionate Friends local chapter. (I am also happy to write mothers
who have lost children but real live folks close at hand are better.)
- Compassionate daily attention and reinforcement of the sort that I am
sure Tina will give, and I hope family and friends can provide.
- Understanding of the mood swings and ambivalence that are going to
take place, a natural part of the healing of grief. In my opinion and
experience, women who take drugs for grief suffer it longer. If there
are adequate supports around the woman it may be possible for her to
consider just facing the experience of guild and resolution without
medications.
- Labour will not be easy, being complicated by dread; a doula or
loving companion is vital. But the euphoria of giving birth and early
bonding can heal. Try to arrange that no one takes the baby away from
her for any reason in the first 24 hours; this may take special
negotiation with the hospital in advance.
- Elimination of the word "failure" (Could we all stop using this
pejorative? Breastfeeding is a relationship, not an exam). It may be
the health care system failed to meet this mother's need. Is it
possible to give her this perception, that she did the very best she
could given that the system was not as helpful as it could be? And
that next time around, the early visits and ongoing help you promise
her will make an enormous difrerence.
- Helping the mother feel at ease with her own body in pregnancy. Does
she like stroking, massage, warm baths, any kind of healing touch from
any person? Try to help her develop that ease of non-sexual touching
from any acceptable sources. Help her know that regardless of how she
feeds her baby, lots of skin to skin contact, carrying in a sling and
sleeping with the baby will bring them into a sense of safety and
closeness through touch.
- Downplay "what kind of milk". The suggestions that others have made
to suggest partial breastfeeding make sense. You could also offer to
help her cup feed any supplemental formula, explaining that then the
baby will go on being interested in the breast, and if she wants to
give more breastmilk as time goes on, you can help her do that.
Please let us know how this goes for you, Tina, and for the mother and
baby.
Helen Armstrong IBCLC
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