>

Hi all,I've returned from a few months of nomail.  I've been trying to
stay up-to-date by reading the archives.
I suspect No one on this list would feel professionally offended by the
below parodied article about breastfeeding.
I received the advance article in my email box from "The Compleat
Mother" with permission to pass it along freely.

Ruth Callahan
Postpartum Doula web page  http://www.webspan.net/~callahan
New York, New York


> From The Compleat Mother, October 97 issue,
> RR#3 Clifford, Ontario Canada N0G 1M0
> 519-327-8785
> email : [log in to unmask]
>
>       The Thing
>       by Janis Honea
>
> On another planet, a  young man was preparing  for his first sexual
> encounter.  He was nervous,
> since he had never spoken to anyone who had ever  done it
> successfully.    He decided to ask
> some of his friends about their experiences.
>    "I really wanted to!" exclaimed one, but my doctor said my penis
> was too small."
>     "Really!" interrupted another.  "My doctor said  mine was too
> large!"
>     "I wanted to too, but it turns out I didn't have enough to satisfy
> her." said another.
>     "I never wanted to! Its so gross! I'd feel like an animal or
> something.  I know they say that
> penis is best, but all  mine were artificially aroused and they were
> happy and satisfied," said
> the oldest in the group.
>      "Haven't you been divorced seven times?" asked the young  man.
>      "Yes, but that had nothing to do with it." he said.
>      "I hear you need to toughen it up before you do it.  You know,
> scrub it with a loofah or
> something." said one friend.
>       "And you can't let her go for any longer than a couple of
> minutes at first, or you'll get sore."
>       "My cousin said it was incredibly painful.   He penis cracked
> and bled.  He only lasted a
> couple of days.   Thank God we have alternatives today," said the
> friend who was "too small."
>       "I have a friend who did it," said one,  almost whispering.  "It
> seemed like a lot of work to
> me.  Every time I talked to him it seemed like he had just finished or
> was just about to make
> love to his wife.   I told him surely she was not being satisfied or
> she wouldn't be wanting it
> again so soon.   I told him he needed to supplement with a vibrator.
> He wouldn't go for it."
>      "Well, I really think  I want to try." said the young man.
>      "Good for you!" said his "too big" friend.   "But be sure you
> get her on a schedule or she
> will manipulate you."
>      The young man was so confused as he left he decided to ask his
> physician about it.
>      "I understand your concern." said his doctor, placing a hand on
> his shoulder.   A lot of
> men, especially our first timers are unable to meet their women's
> needs with their penises.
> Taking classes, reading books, doesn't seem to help.   Despite all
> their best efforts, many men
> just can't.   Its called insufficient penis syndrome.  I know you want
> to try, and I think that is
> great, but let me send you home with this vibrator just in case.
> Look, its bent, or angled to
> insure that you do her in a semi-upright position."
>
>      The young man gratefully took the vibrator home and thought about
> all the things he had
> heard.   When the time finally came he was determined to do it
> naturally.
>
>       He was excited and nervous. He tried to do everything right.
> He watched the clock
> and stopped after exactly the prescribed period of time.   The event
> was a humiliating failure.
> His woman was frustrated and upset.  He couldn't understand it.   He
> had done everything
> he was told to do.
>
>       His honey told him she loved him and that his touch was
> sufficient, and together they
> would learn to get it right, but the next time she seemed interested
> he thought,  "Just this
> once I'll  use the vibrator.   I can't stand the thought of her going
> unsatisfied.
>
>       No one had warned him of the danger of penis confusion. Soon she
> developed a preference
> for the vibrator and rejected the penis altogether.   In a way, he
> preferred it too.  If he needed
> to get away sometimes, anyone could satisfy her.   And though he heard
> he should hold her
> every time to promote bonding, it got easier and easier to prop her in
> the corner  with the
> vibrator while he went about doing his chores.
>
>       It was important for him to keep busy. If allowed time to feel,
> he always felt vaguely
> cheated and sad.   Being a lover was not at all what he had hoped.  He
> wanted to get away
> from his wife.   He resented her demands and felt inadequate to meet
> her needs.   The
> closeness that he longed for never developed.
>
>       One day he got up the courage to ask his friend for the phone
> number of the man he
> knew who "did it."  Hi," said the young man.    "I got your number
> from a friend. I would
> like some information on lovemaking.   I wasn't able to with my first
> love and if I ever have
> another,  I really want to make love to her myself."
>
>      "How old is your relationship?" asked the man on the phone.
>      "Just a few months," said the young man sadly.
>      "Would you like to make love to your wife now? Its not too late!"
> said the man.
>      "Do you really think I could?" asked the young man.  He felt
> hopeful for the first time in
> ages.  They talked for some time and the man invited him to a La Cosa
> League meeting.
> (La Cosa is Spanish for The Thing, and slang for penis.)  La Cosa
> League was a group
> dedicated to providing support and information to men who wanted to
> make love to their
> women.    He was amazed at how many men were doing it and  was
> encouraged by men
> who had overcome many obstacles to successfully satisfy their wives.
>      "What do I need to do?" the young man asked, wide-eyed and
> determined.
>       "The first thing you need to do, is get rid of the vibrator.
> The young man did not know
>  how to respond.  A rock of nerves formed in the pit of his stomach.
> "I couldn't possibly..."
>       "Now your woman may object a bit, but persevere.  She will
> quickly become accustomed
> to the feel of your body."
>       "What if I can't satisfy her?" the young man asked.
>       The leader assured him that even if it took a while, with
> practice he should have no trouble.
>       "Well, how often, and for how long?"
>       "Take your cues from her," responded one of the men. "Watch your
> wife, not the clock."
>       His mind reeled as he drove home. He thought over all the things
> he had heard.  How
> come no one had ever told him this before?  It seemed so radical, but
> somehow it felt right.
>       At first his woman was not interested at all in switching. She
> protested when he offered
> her the penis.   Refused it cold. But with patience and persistence
> she eventually accepted it.
> He was amazed that once she took it,  she did not seem to want to let
> go.   He had never been
> so elated in his whole life.  He had done it!   He had made love to
> his wife!  With his own body!
>       The next time his wife requested the vibrator he gently and
> lovingly offered the penis again.
>  She fussed some but quickly accepted him.  He was even more excited
> than the first time.  He
> had worried then that it was a lucky fluke, but now he believed  he
> really could do it.   To his
> delight, his wife never asked for the vibrator again.
>
>      The transformation in his attitude toward his wife was
> remarkable.  He no longer resented
> midnight lovemaking sessions. He felt a bond with her like he had
> never known.   He didn't
> want other people satisfying her, and he didn't want to get away.  His
> attitude about himself
> also changed.   He felt so confident and calm.   He was not
> inadequate, and he was not
> replaceable.   He hurt when he thought of all the men who didn't know
> what he knew.  He felt
> even sorrier for their women.   As he watched his wife thrive on his
> love alone his enthusiasm
> for lovemaking grew harder and harder to contain.   One day while
> talking with his old friends
> someone brought up the latest advancement in vibrators.  They
> blithely discussed the merits
> of the latest tool when he excitedly blurted, "We've thrown ours
> away."
>
>      The room fell silent.
>
>      "What?" asked the friend with the "too small" penis.  "We've
> thrown the vibrator away"
> he said again.
>      "Well what do you use then?" asked the friend with the "too
> large" penis.
>        "I make love to her myself," he said.
>        "Why would you want to go and do something like that?"
>        "Doesn't it hurt?"
>        "You'll  be sorry."
>        "Oh No! You haven't been hanging around with those fanatics
> from  La Cosa League,
>         have you?" asked  his friend who "could not."
>        "They aren't fanatics," the young man said calmly. "They gave
> me a lot of good
> information and I'm very happy with my decision.
>         The men burst out laughing. "Next thing you know, he is going
> to stop shaving,"
>  joked the divorced one.
>        "Oh! Or letting her sleep in his bed." roared another.
>        "You've really done it now,"  said the "too small" one,
> sobering up.  "What are you going
> to do if you have to leave her for a while?  And you'd better hope she
> doesn't start biting!"
>        "Be prepared to give up your life. warned the divorced one.
>        "Your brain is going to turn to oatmeal."
>        The young man thought carefully about that and smiled to
> himself.   He didn't feel like
> he was giving up anything, especially in the light of all he had
> gained.
>        "You know," he said, "I think I like it as much as she  does."
>        "Boy, You really are a radical."
>
> Janice Honea lives in Carson City, Nevada