Regina,

It has taken me awhile to respond to your request for advice about a
woman who was trying to adopt and hoping to nurse, but the prospects for
her ending up with the baby looked questionable.

As the adoptive mother of six, who has also had adoptions fall through,
I have alot of empathy for anyone in such a situation.  It is similar to
being pregnant and threatening to miscarry all the way through. The best
we can do is, I think, to let such women know that we appreciate the
fact that they are going through a difficult time.  Often, they do not
have many others around them who have much understanding.

Has this woman been pumping to try to induce lactation?  This can be a
difficult issue.  Many women want to pump and, although many
(most?)don't see more than a few drops of milk for their efforts, it at
least makes them feel that they are doing something useful while they
are waiting.  However, if the adoption does not go through, having been
pumping can make it even more difficult emotionally.

I always caution women who are considering pumping before the birth of a
baby they hope to adopt to take into account the fact that the adoption
may not progress as planned.  No one likes to hear that or think about
it, but it is a fact of life with adoption, and there is no way of
predicting ahead of time which birth mothers will go through with the
placement and which will decide to parent their babies.

If she is pumping, I would make sure that she understands that it is not
a necessity and that she can quit at any time without harming her
chances for successful adoptive nursing.  It may lessen the anxiety
somewhat for her to quit pumping, or she may feel that quitting would be
like giving up.  It is something she will have to decide for herself.

If this adoption does not go through, I would suggest that she actively
pursue other avenues for finding a baby to adopt.  Sometimes writing to
many agencies around the country, telling them a bit about your family,
and the child you are hoping to find, brings results quickly, especially
for families who are open to adopting a baby who is not a healthy white
newborn.

I wish her the best, and also want to commend you for your understanding
and concern for her situation.

Aloha,
Darillyn Starr