Wow,

I can't believe all the feelings this discussion about adoptive nursing has
stimulated.
I was fortunate to be able to nurse my adopted infant when he was 2  hours
old.  I actually wanted to have an open adoption, but Dan's birth-mother was
adament against meeting us.  Listening to this discussion reminds me  of all
the conflicting feelings I had when my baby was little.  From the moment our
son entered our life I have always reminded myself that he had another
mother.  I have always been greatful to her.  She kept herself healthy and
cared enough to have him and then give him up because she couldn't provide
the life she thought he deserved.  Norma,  I have never felt that I have been
doing a service or favor to raise another's child,  from the moment I held
him to my breast he has been my child.  The hardest thing is to look into his
face and know that he has another heredity.  My biggest challange is to
always accept his other family and to let him know that I accept any feelings
he has about them.

Not having her in his life has sometimes been hard on him and at other times
I think she would burden him.  When he was three years old Danny became
obsessed about seeing a grave yard..  We  took him to an old Spanish
cematary.  For an hour he walked around looking at the grave stones.  He
became more and more upset.  Finally,  I said, " What are you looking for?"
  He replied,  "My mother."  I said, "Son your Mother isn't dead."   He then
said,  " She must be, why else  doesn't she come to see me."

Now at eleven,  he suddenly doesn't want to acknowledge that he has another
mother.  Or his original mother as he sometimes called her.  He is very
afraid of being different from his friends.

If we had an open adoption I think that it would be easier on him in some
ways and harder in other ways.  The women I know that had open adoptions had
a very hard time.  They loved being part of the pregnancy and delivery,  but
all would have liked the birth mother to go live her own life as soon as the
baby was born.  Unfortunately, the pre -birth ties were often difficult and
traumatic to break.  Often the birth mothers have a different life style than
the adoptive parents, goals and values  may differ.

I do know that my baby knew that I wasn't the mother he heard while he was
developing.  During those first few days he would look up at me with a
puzzled expression .   I also would let everyone hold him as if he didn't
belong to me.  After the first week I suddenly became very protective of him.
 No one could hold him.  How much harder it would have been to watch his
birth mother nurse him.  And yet I think if she offered to feed him, perhaps
I would have let her because it would have been good for him.

I don't know if it's natural in our culture to share an infant with another
woman.  I will always help my child to have a relationship with his birth
mother is its something he  wants, but for now I'm glad its not a decision I
have to make or live with.