MHS:   Source date is:     09-Jun-95 10:54:00 -0300 EDT

Judy Knopf:

This Judy will not jump on you, although it is quite possible that the type
of anger that is being described is far beyond what you, I and most "normal"
mothers feel.  I remember reading Fitzhugh Dodson's How to Parent when my
first born was first born (that goes back a fair piece) and he wrote a whole
page on the difference between feelings and actions and how the "jungle
animal" was right there, sort of lurking under the surface.  You are totally
right on about anger and resentment at that little piece of humanity that
suddenly takes over our whole life and that is certainly "normal", at least
in western society.  I think that this is one of the reasons that support
groups in our urban societies are so crucial to getting through those first
weeks.

I recall in that Dodson piece that he made the distinction quite clear.  If
the anger makes you actually DO something to the baby, get yourself off to
the nearest therapist.  However, feelings really were OK.  So, perhaps the
test as to whether the anger is "normal" or "not common" should be action.
If the mother feels like flushing the baby down the toilet when s/he nurses
or cries or has colic, or whatever it is one thing, but if the mother
actually whacks the baby when she has these feelings, she needs help.

In terms of feelings, I was very intrigued by Philip Zeskind's description
of cries last summer at the ILCA conference and parents' reactions to them.
It sounded like he was really on to some indicators by which one could
objectively measure some of the parent-child interaction that Sears has
described over the years, especially about the "fussy", "high-need" baby.
Zeskind said that if parents responded in a "nurturing" fashion, the baby
usually came through OK, but if they "couldn't stand it" - the baby would
have trouble later on.

I think that lots of these things are mixed up together and before we decide
whether mother's response is "normal" or "abnormal" we need to look at the
whole scene -- what is the baby doing?  What else is going on in her life,
etc.?

I'll get off my soap box now.  Judy Canahuati
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