I used to advocate eating elephants and whales because one elephant could feed so many people, fewer lives taken to feed the masses. But then I found out they were endangered species, & I changed my tune. Save a pachy, eat a cow. But then a few friends showed me the light. Eating meat is eating my brothers and sisters. You know, we’re the only carnivores without fangs. Meat causes digestive problems and leaves rancid residue in my colon. Do you know what those cows are fed & injected with, & how they're treated. And what about the clearcutting of forests for grazing, and that it takes 10 times the plants to feed cattle as it does people. And then there’s all that bovine methane gas destroying the ozone. Eat low on the food chain, source energy man, the macrobiotic spiral of life. 

My path is clear. Eat a carrot, save a cow. But then i read that plant life feels pain when you kill it. Yeah, it doesn’t have a nervous system, but there’s a measurable form of shock upon severance or uprooting. Plants avoid death & adversity, to grow towards the sun. One bowl of sprouts is thousands of newborns wiped out in one sitting. Trillions are being slaughtered. I wouldn’t laugh if I were in that sprouts shoes. Sprouts are the fodder of the world. Imagine eating a thousand kittens for lunch. Sure, I can relate to animal pain, screams, looks of terror and broken wills. They have eyes and legs just like me, don’t kill the bunny. 

But that’s just ethnocentric nepotism. Taking a life is taking a life, whether or not I can speak their language. A rice boiling is just as bad as a pig roast. And all these mutant hybrids, I wouldn’t want someone to hybridize me. And if you take 10 vegetarians at random & 10 meat eaters at random, tell me which looks like the hardier healthier group. All I know is, my grandma made it to 82 eating beef, why is that? I say eat the cow, at least the cows are guilty of mass grass murder. Save a carrot, eat a cow. But I can’t go back, eating plants & animals, they’re both wrong. In fact, from now on, I’m only going to eat things that are already dead, like fallen fruit and maybe road kills and lawyers & federal agents & insurance salesmen. They're just going to rot anyway. Save the living, eat the dead. 

Wait, what am I saying, what about cellular life. Dead beings are made up of billions of living cells. All plants and animals are guilty on this one. What a hypocrite I’ve been. Oh nice, just because I can’t see them or realize their pain, doesn’t invalidate their lives. Since when does size matter. It’s not their time yet. I will eat no organism before its time. How could i be so unaware and careless. I'm never eating again. 

And sunlight, sunlight is energy, energy is life, no more sun man, and micro-organisms in the air, I’m breathing them in, they have rights. I'm staying in the dark man. I’m gonna stay in the dark, and not breathe too much, & die a divine death, being nature’s food fertilizer of life. Save all life and wait to die. Wait, I can’t, what about my life and the billions of cells I represent! What am I gonna do, what am I gonna do now man. What horrid responsibility.

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