Feeding Babies and Green Hair

OK Ladies, listen up.
Yes, I mean Ladies.  I want to talk to you about your “feelings.”

And feeding your babies.

As an IBCLC and 30 year advocate of breastfeeding, I am happy to say that I approach the discussion of baby feeding with my personal bias.  I promote breastfeeding.  I promote the use of human milk over formula.  I can cite many reasons, evidence based and from experience working with hundreds, probably thousands of mothers.  I talk about, brag about, give information about, breastfeeding.

I can cite risks of formula feeding.  There are many.

But there is one thing I am incapable of doing, and so I take NO responsibility for.  And that is that I CAN NOT make you feel bad.  

I can’t make you feel anything.  I say what I think, and you think what you want about it.  GET THIS and you will be a healthier person for your family and friends, and all the rest of us, to deal with.

And Ladies… when was the last time you heard a man say “They are trying to make me FEEL bad!”  “I was “Made To Feel Bad” because I didn’t …I don’t know… drink with the guys?  Wear a helmet?  Please.    

We may be able to agree that many men could learn to show their feelings a bit more.   But we would most definitely NOT want to have them accusing us of “Making them feel bad.”   

Now, here’s another thing.  No one can “Make you feel like less of a mother” by “Giving you a look.”  Are you kidding me?  You think you know what other people are THINKING when they “look” at you?  What are you, The Long Island Medium?

The worst thing people used to say about breastfeeding was something along these lines:  “I’m all for breastfeeding, but when they just WHIP IT OUT, that’s too much.”  Or: “I was at this place one day and this woman just WHIPPED IT OUT.”  I finally resorted to responding to people saying this to me “So, when she whipped IT out, did IT slap her in the face?”  Here’s a newsflash.  You didn’t see anyone WHIP out her breast.  No, you didn’t.  You may have seen a woman open her shirt, bra, whatever, to offer her breast to her baby.  There is no whipping involved where babies are concerned, thankfully.  But it has always been SO fun to say!

So let’s all spend some time with our own personal reflections.  Let’s think about the difference between FEELING something, and THINKING something.  Feelings are true.  They are physical.  We feel weak.  Our chest feels tight.  This could be happening because someone is looking at us, but it is not their responsibility!  We choose. We could laugh them off, or start crying.   One person could laugh, and the next could cry.  Because each person makes their OWN meaning from what happens to them every single second of every day.  It’s both the good news and the bad news.  You are responsible for your own feelings.  And, you have the right to change your mind.

I will never stop advocating for the benefits of breastfeeding.  In my personal experience, the breastfeeding relationship is like a fast track to a close mother-child lifelong bond.  And there’s the health advantages, as well.  But I don’t, have never, tried to make anyone feel bad when being an advocate.  And frankly, I suspect very few people are mean spirited when advocating breastfeeding.  But, even if they ARE mean and nasty, so what?  What someone else thinks about you is not your business anyway.  It’s like the “green hair argument.”  My friend Elisabeth once asked me, when I was moaning about what someone might be thinking about me, “What if they told you you had green hair- what would you do?”  “Laugh!” I replied.  “How come?” she asked.  “Because it’s silly.  I don’t have green hair!”  

So if you are thinking someone is judging you for being less of a mother or any other bad thing, you very well may have a physical reaction, or feeling.  It is useful to take note of these things- they are giving you valuable messages.  But the message is actually something along the line of “Pay attention.” And “Take Notice.”  Take notice of what you are thinking!  A course correction may be in order.  We all get to check out what we are thinking, and see if it is actually something that we KNOW is true.  And even if someone is mean to you, can they make you feel bad?  No!    

Similac is trying to play on the emotional immaturity of those who do not understand the difference between our thoughts and our feelings.  People who are excessively concerned about what other people think about them, as if any of us has any control over what others think about anything.   How about we reject the manipulations of corporations who have no other aim but to get our money, and just try minding our own business?  And trust me, part of minding our own business is NOT getting hooked by what we think other people think about us.  As my grandmother used to say “Taking care of my own head is a full time job.”
Susan Jacoby, IBCLC
All Rights Reserved

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