Hi Liz,

So, if she wants to breastfeed, the foster mom is wrong either way:
* if she tells, she's almost sure of not becoming a foster mom;
* if she does and doesn't tell, she's a liar.
And all the time she is trying to offer the infant 'A Secure Base' (I 
recommend this title, book written by John Bowlby himself).
It seems like the reasoning of the social workers is this: "Okay, we have 
this infant here, in a very insecure environment, where the parents cannot 
look after it and we now bring the child elsewhere, but it might be tossed 
back again, for whatever reason, so we'd better not give the infant what it 
desperately needs, because in the future, there might not be a possibility 
to guarantee that the infant/child keeps getting what it needs, so we'd 
better not give it to him now, either, to make sure he does not get used to 
the really good thing and will miss it later. He'd better be deprived of 
physical closeness and nurturing love for his whole life, than get a taste 
of it now and miss it later on, which might cause all kinds of trouble, 
because he could then start looking for what's missing instead of showing 
detachment behaviour, because all hope for rescue is lost." Something like 
that...? If so, it's beyond me...
Of course the parents have an interest and it is also in the interest of the 
child to grow up *safely and securely* with its biological parents. 
Nevertheless... I sympathize with what Heather suggests: there might be a 
kind of jealousy on the part of the decision makers (social workers, judges) 
towards the fact that this mom is willing to really give herself to this 
child and offer it security and a happy home.
Who should take the burden for all the trouble we are dealing with in this 
situation... the child? The foster mom may become a safe haven for the rest 
of the child's life, even if he does return to his natural family... so 
valuable, so important, so (possible) life saving!

Warmly,

Marianne Vanderveen-Kolkena IBCLC, Netherlands (with several people in her 
close social environment of people who desperately need(ed) to know what it 
feels like to be loved...)


-----Oorspronkelijk bericht----- 
From: Elizabeth Brooks
Sent: Wednesday, February 02, 2011 12:45 PM
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: Foster parenting and breastfeeding?

Karleen and Marianne -- for me, the issue with the foster mother isn't the
breastfeeding part .... it is the the notion that BF is (or might
be) occurring UNDER THE RADAR.

I don't need to remind those of us in the lactation advocacy world that
-- for a whole LOT of folks outside of our world -- there is an "Eeww"
factor involved with the use of human donor milk or (gasp!)
cross-nursing/wet nursing/shared breastfeeding/co-breastfeeding/choose your
favorite phrase.  Now -- just STOP those itching keyboard fingers.  **I** am
not saying it is icky.  But most folks out there would need a lot of
education to "get it."

Even if the judges and human services workers can be convinced of the
"rightness" of cross-nursing, remember that the social workers and judges
(frankly) hold almost every card in a foster parent arrangement.  The mother
who is "caught in a lie" -- and not telling the whole truth will be viewed
as such -- will be seen as a risky foster parent ("If she is not telling us
that she is BF this foster child, what *else* is she not telling us?").  And
risky fosters won't be allowed to receive kids to care for.  This foster
parent could blow her chances to provide a loving, caring home for this
child, and others in the future.

And even if the judges and human services workers can be convinced of the
"rightness" of cross-nursing, I think that is an elelment that has to be
weighed VERY carefully if there is, in fact, a chance -- no matter how
slight -- that the child will be reunited with its birth mother.  Think
of the cultures in the world where "milk siblings" are according special
status -- like a member of the family.  I think it is fair to say that
breastfeeding is NOT a benign, innocuous activity.  It creates a bond that
goes far beyond feeding, as we well know.  Agencies have to protect the
child's current and future safety and welfare ... and even in a
highly-enlightened, breastfeeding-is-normal world, cross-nursing would add a
layer that may be more confounding than simplifying.

Liz Brooks JD IBCLC FILCA (a *pro bono* child advocate in her spare time)
Wyndmoor, PA, USA

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