As I see it, there is a macro world and a micro world.

In the macro world, of huge segments of populations acting in line with
culture and family pressures, there are many many women who are not Good
Enough mothers to their children.  They never bond with them, they don't
learn how to read their signals, they follow advice such as to let them
cry it out, restrict food, restrict nurturing cuddles and play, and
treat their children as possessions who are demanding and problematic.
(There is a tv ad in the UK at the moment, for a cable/internet/phone
company, which quotes a dad as referring to his 4 kids as "Drains on my
resources.")

In this macro world, the majority of the mothers who are formula
feeding, have chosen to do so from lack of info, lack of understanding,
lack of awareness in their own strength and low self-esteem.  Some are
just selfish - they know the facts, but choose to ignore them.  Some
tried hard to breastfeed, and were failed, usually by lactation support
that drove them under, or every now and then, by their bodies.

In that macro world, it's very easy to make statements that formula
feeding mothers aren't doing Good Enough by their kids.  It's in the
macro world that tobacco leads to cancer, that not wearing a seat belt
leads to death by windscreen, and that crying it out alienates and
reduces a child enough to harm it significantly.

However, there is also a micro world.  In the micro world, each mother
is an individual, and her own mothering, and her mothering skills, are
positioned not amongst societal trends, but in a day to day, one to one
life.  In this world, it's who she is, and how she treats, and responds,
to her child, that determines if she's Good Enough.

And in the micro world, it's much more gray than the black and white of
the macro world.

In the macro world, we know that a formula feeding mother is less likely
to be bonding well, and may have more problems putting her baby first
while she adjusts to the shell shock of her new born.  In the macro
world, we know a five year old still using a dummy/pacifier, probably
hasn't received enough love and attention.  In the macro world, we know
the formula fed kids will have more heart disease, diabetes and some
cancers.  In the macro world, we know more formula fed babies will die
than breastfed ones.  In the macro world, the formula fed kids will fill
up spaces in the graveyard faster than the breastfed ones as they age
into adulthood.  But they will all end up in the graveyard.

But in the micro world... things are less clear cut.  In the micro
world, we will find the very uncommon but perfectly normal five year old
who was breastfed, bed-shared and attached... but whose sucking need is
so intense, they are still using a dummy/pacifier, even although all
their needs have been met.  In the micro world, we will find a formula
feeding Mum who is the best possible mother to their baby, with the only
exception being the breastfeeding.  We will also find, in the micro
world, a breastfeeding mother who Cries It Out, limits food, and limits
hugs and cuddles.  We will find breastfeeding mothers who hit, and we
will find formula feeding mothers who do not.

When we look at individuals, behaviour patterns that are true of a large
cohort, can rarely be applied.

In the cohort, we know that poor parenting creates behaviour patterns of
low self-esteem and low physical health, that will be passed onto the
next generation.  We also know increasing breastfeeding rates will have
an enormous impact on that, as it treats root causes of both the
physical and emotional ill health.  And when we sit in parks, or
shopping malls, and see the bottle being taken out and plugged in, we
know that some of what is going on, is that cohort showing its poor
parenting to us.  And we recoil and feel distressed, for we know what
the babies are missing and where it leads in a cycle.  But we do not
know, without being telepathic, where each individual mother is in a sea
of cultural pressure.  And we must always allow that mother, to feel
safe and respected, unless she actively proves her poor parenting skills
to us, directly, one-to-one.

Are there Good Enough mothers in the world, and are there Not Good
Enough ones?  Yes.  Can you tell which they are, by how the baby in the
park is being fed?  No.  But you know that a baby feeding at the breast
is more _likely_ to have a Good Enough one.  Sadly, we also know that
the formula feeding one, with a cigarette in her mouth, her bum hanging
out of her trousers and screaming profanities at the older kids, is more
_likely_ to be failing to be Good Enough.  The real problem is when we
decide the clues are the reality.  Bum Out Of Trousers could be a
marvellous mother who is having radiation therapy and also having a very
bad day.  Middle class breastfeeder with a nice accent and a gentle
manner, could be beating the shit out of them behind closed doors.

You Never Know, in the micro world.

Personally, I feel the comment by a small child, that started this
debate about the 'stupid mother' is a macro world comment, and entirely
acceptable.  It is utterly stupid not to give your baby 'bo'.  But the
realities of how hard that seemingly simple thing is, are beyond a
child's capacity to understand.  But like all things, sometimes, the
kids say it best.  :-)

And lest we drive ourselves into an anti-formula feeding bashing frenzy,
let's remind ourselves of the 4000 babies who die every day from
formula, and the distraught parents in China, worrying their child will
be the next to die.  Arguments about how we talk about mothers who are
privileged enough to be able to afford formula, and afford to prepare it
in sanitary conditions, and sit around and discuss their 'choice' in
doing so... are Not Quite The Point.  The end user is not the problem.
The end user is usually the victim.

Morgan Gallagher

Marianne Vanderveen-Kolkena wrote:
>
> And I'm sorry to say that I *do* feel that parents who do not refuse
> their baby the breast, are better parents, just like parents who
> choose to not bash their children are better parents than those who do.
> We cannot all be good at everything and it happens to be true, that
> some parents make better parents than others, just like some
> carpenters are better carpenters than others.
> It's not about the milliliters of milk; it's about the choices and
> involvement underneath the end effects. Some choices are better
> choices than others. Making yourself available for your newborn is a
> crucial matter for human babies. Ashley Montagu rates humans as
> exterogestators: half of gestation is happens outside the womb, at
> breast, close to mom. The issue is: do you willingly and knowingly
> withhold things from your child although you know how beneficial they
> are? Truth of the matter is: many do. They rank their own priorities
> higher than the baby's. Sad? Yes, very sad, but true nevertheless.
> Then again, those who do it willingly and knowingly, won't feel
> bashed: they are convinced they made the right choice, right...?

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