Dear all:
I want to start with the fact that I completely understand Mary's frustrations. I am right
there with her and over a glass of wine I would be happy to discuss carefully disguised
cases that were hair pulling out events of the so-called interfering helpers. I would
happily discuss last resort measures to thwart these individuals in their undermining
tactics. BUT at the same time --- I think we need to evaluate tactics to convert them
from interfering busy bodies to more innocuous activities.
I have one mom who has been calling me on a frequent basis about a really awful court
case over visitation rights and this is not a "partner" by any legal definition of the term.
Can't share details but it is about the worst situation I have seen. Even though I thought
at the moment of meeting the person who is suing for visitation rights that the person
was a complete and total narcissistic jerk during my consultation --- and my opinion is
completely validated by the court case that has ensued --- I did my best to present
information in the best way I possibly knew to elicit some sort of support for
breastfeeding. I don't feel bad about the fact that this person PREDICTABLY was not
receptive but I do feel good about the fact that I did not automatically go into you are an
unreceptive jerk mode and refuse to deal with this particular individual in a professional
manner. I am not arrogant enough to assume that I have always done so, but in this
case I feel completely free of any guilt that I might have allowed my personal thoughts
towards this person to interfere with reacting profesionally (maybe this person was so
truly horrible that it made it easier.
I suppose to address Mary's points, I should not have said "client" if someone is not hiring
you. But if we are asked a question from someone who asks about breastfeeding, I think
there are ways that we can either help or hinder those who interact with breastfeeding
mothers. Even with doulas who give out advice that may completely mess up the
relationship, I still try to find some way to convey information in a way that might
actually result in a change in their behavior. For instance, I did not know which doula had
been giving out really bad advice about only using one breast at a time and scaring ALL
mothers about foremilk hindmilk imbalance and creating a situation in which babies were
failing to thrive because those babies need both breast. Since there was no way to know
which one it was, I tried to write as diplomatic as possible an email to a Listserve to talk
about the problems of that approach and how many babies may really need both breasts
and how to inform mothers about the cues of when to switch breast rather than following
some arbitrary rules.
Yes, I get many people who call for the mother and yes, I do tell them that the mother
really needs to call me --- but if they are calling me they are asking for advice --- and
why not take that as a potential teaching moment? Brief, professional and not beyond
what we feel would take us into the territory of giving a entirely free consultation.
Sometimes a moment or two can make a slight difference and those moments can add
up.
AND I have also be very clearcut about confidentiality issues. This is also where I think I
was not clear enough for Mary. Yes, we also have a responsibility to explain that when
professionals at least (doulas, baby nurses, nurses) --- tattle on their clients --- we
cannot respond about the individual person involved and that professional should not have
relayed the specifics about the case to us. I had a huge conversation once with a doula
who had done this many many times about specific clients and I explained the HIPPA
rules and I think we can also adopt this with other "helpers" who are family members.
BUT I do think that it is well within ethical boundaries to explain the GENERAL issue
involved without addressing the specifics. And in this regard, I do think it is OK to
politely explain to this grandmother why her concerns about alcohol are way off base in a
way that she might understand. And if we don't have time, we don't have to really
educate her about anything because we are NOT being paid to do so. But in light of the
possible PRO BONO side of life --- if one has the energy, one can think of this as a
teachable moment to help the helper back off. It might help both parties involved.
And in the relative scheme of things --- I'd take this grandmother any day over one
particular, not the majority or even the minority of pediatricians in this city that routinely
puts babies in jeopardy. In fact it is VERY clear that this particular grandmother already
shot herself in the foot. The couple probably won't be impacted as much as the
grandmother that made a fairly common and yet fairly dare I say "stupid" move to gain
control over a situation in which she has no control?
Now I know a lot has been mentioned about Lactnet not being the place to vent about
these frustrations --- I think it is an excellent place to vent about these frustrations
because it keeps us from inappropriately venting to those who are going to be
unresponsive anyway. And fortunately, the original poster was able to post here and
whatever she may have felt she was able to seek advice from a VARIETY of opinions
before expressing any deep concerns about the relationship between a mother in law and
a daughter in law.
And in this regard, how many LCs have bemoaned the fact that their DILs really are not
into breastfeeding and sought our support to empathize with them over this tragedy on
Lactnet? Of course it would be incredibly frustating to be an expert in an area and see
dangerous disregard of health issues over someone who is related to us. Since they are
LCs, I have not seen any of them make the same error as this particular grandmother.
Yet even though this particular grandmothers thought process MAY be misguided (since I
have not listened to her I cannot make such judgments), her measures are intrusive ---
just think about what she appears to have done to herself. Her own son is rejecting her
and her DIL is shutting her out. Since I have a son --- and he already at age five had the
ultimate girlfriend --- I hope I have the strength to back off should he marry a sleep
training, formula feeding woman who thinks babies should be trained into not needing
human comfort. While I would love to think his early training would never lead him to
choose such a woman, I am not arrogant enough to think my mothering skills are so
great that this is not in the realm of possibility. So, I would hope should I encounter that
scenario I would have some empathetic channel for redirecting me into more constructive
endeavors.
Best, Susan Burger
***********************************************
Archives: http://community.lsoft.com/archives/LACTNET.html
To reach list owners: [log in to unmask]
Mail all list management commands to: [log in to unmask]
COMMANDS:
1. To temporarily stop your subscription write in the body of an email: set lactnet nomail
2. To start it again: set lactnet mail
3. To unsubscribe: unsubscribe lactnet
4. To get a comprehensive list of rules and directions: get lactnet welcome
|