Dear all:

Without interviewing all parties it is very difficult to check whether or not our 
assumptions are correct about any relationship.  Relationships are exceedingly 
complicated.  Labeling one or another person in a relationship as the "bad" person does 
not help. 

We all know that it is not merely the breastfeeding mother that we need to reach, it is all 
those who might support or hinder her ability to breastfeed.  Campaigns to improve 
breastfeeding have started to reach out to those that interact with mothers because these 
relationships can make or break the relationship.

Baby nurses, doulas, husbands, partners, mother in laws, mothers, sisters, pediatricians, 
obstetricians, employers, etc ---- all need information and support to support the mother 
who is breastfeeding.

In this case, the grandmother can be treated as "the client".  As "the client" here is a 
wonderful opportunity to help her interact with her daughter-in-law in ways that will not 
only help her daughter-in-law more effectively, but also establish a better basis for her 
new role as grandmother. She may very well respond to suggestions that may make her 
"less interfering" and thereby improve her ability to be able to interact with her 
grandchild.  And what is wrong with a grandmother wanting that.  She may need some 
assistance how to improve her relationship with her daughter-in-law and son and much of 
this may involve helping her figure out how to let go of her feelings about the right way 
to do things.  She may need assistance to understand that it is OK for new mothers to 
make what she considers are "mistakes".

I've spent time with all sorts of helpers that I initially put into the category  of 
"interfering".  But putting them into that category and dismissing them really didn't help.  
I've learned a lot about baby nurses who often do give out really terrible advice and some 
of them really are not interested in the baby.  BUT,,,,  if I listen to them as carefully as I 
listen to the mother, I can often find some opening that will give me the opportunity to 
gently nudge her opinion in ways that will make it easier for her to support breastfeeding.    
And in fact, I have learned a lot from the better baby nurses about what they know about  
babies.  The FIRST thing I do with the helper is ask the helper what she or he observes 
about the feedings.  Then just as I observe the mom and listen to her about what she 
observes, it gives me a better idea of ways that might help the dynamic.  AND, I have 
also seen a lot of helpers really badly mistreated by postpartum mothers in ways that are 
incredibly abusive.  MOST of this is caused by the extreme stress of the postpartum 
mothers and they recover.  RARELY I find that the mother really is abusive to others in all 
circumstances.  Helping the "helpers" understand what is going on may not relate to their 
sincere efforts to help === can often get them through the tense times and redirect their 
efforts without getting upset themselves. 

We need these other people to assist mom in helpful ways --- and we should recruit them 
because their relationship with the mother will last far longer than our relationship with 
the mother.

Best, Susan Burger

             ***********************************************

Archives: http://community.lsoft.com/archives/LACTNET.html
To reach list owners: [log in to unmask]
Mail all list management commands to: [log in to unmask]
COMMANDS:
1. To temporarily stop your subscription write in the body of an email: set lactnet nomail
2. To start it again: set lactnet mail
3. To unsubscribe: unsubscribe lactnet
4. To get a comprehensive list of rules and directions: get lactnet welcome