The following was written by a Mum in response a discussion in the UK
lact list. She's happy for it to be shared where it will help any other
mother. It's powerful stuff. I can supply her email if you want more
direct permission.

It's also included on my blog, with editorial comment, if you need to
have a URL to direct people to.

Full text, as I feel it deserves it. Apologies if it formats badly. I've
tried everything I can, and it looks okay, but you never know with
Lact-Net until it arrives!

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/Whilst we often hear health benefits cited as a reason to breastfeed,
many supporters are hesitant to discuss bonding; despite sound
scientific evidence. This is hardly surprising, because whilst many
formula feeding mums can acknowledge their child might have more colds
or minor infections – the suggestion they may not be effectively bonded
with her infant is likely to provoke a hair raising reaction in most
quarters.

Bonding is of course a complex issue and fathers/aunts/
siblings/grandmas etc bond with baby too. Unlike illness, beyond the
science aspect – for most parents it’s extremely hard to quantify. You
can’t measure feelings, nor compare to what someone else is feeling.
Formula feeding mothers love and care for their infants and cannot
understand how this would be different if they breastfed.

The only people who can truly compare bonding between breast and bottle
fed babies, is mothers who have done both. Even one of each is not
really reliable, due to all the other possible influencing factors.

As a mum of eight; five formula fed and three breastfed – I want to
share my experiences with you in this article, as you can imagine it has
taken a lot of soul searching on my part to ponder the question; what is
the big deal about breastfeeding and bonding?

If breastfeeding is considered just as a method of transferring milk
into baby, then on the surface there does not seem to be that much
difference. One could argue that bottle feeding mums have the advantage
as their babies can look straight into their eyes, something that most
newborns correctly latched on will not manage to do until they are older.

As a breastfeeding mum it can be easy to feel just like a milk machine
and that is all baby wants you for. Everyone else can get a cuddle and
the minute baby gets close to you, all baby wants is milk and will not
settle until you feed him. You may be sore, you are probably leaking
milk everywhere and well it can all be rather undignified to start with.
A far cry from the rose tinted pictures of mum breastfeeding baby
happily that you imagined! Rather then looking adoringly down on your
newborn, you are probably busting for the loo, as you haven’t managed to
get off the settee for the last few hours!

I am deliberately painting a negative picture, because breastfeeding can
be blooming hard work to start with and that’s when all is going well.
Throw in a baby who is not latching well, thus causing mum to be in
pain, mastitis, thrush, cracked nipples etc and it can be a relief to go
over to bottle. You often hear it don’t you, I only started bonding with
my baby once we had switched to formula and the pain stopped. I was
dreading feeding him as it hurt so much...

I can relate to that, because I have been there, done that. It *was *a
relief at the time, the regrets come later. When you raise your head out
of its sleep deprived state, when you ‘have your body back’ when your
baby is not in your arms constantly anymore, when those chubby hands are
caressing a plastic bottle instead of your breast. When baby gets
excited at the sound of the bottle lid coming off, rather then you
lifting your top. When your baby, breastfed for six weeks simply doesn’t
smell like your baby anymore after just one bottle of formula (given on
the advice of health professionals) causing you to break down in tears
at the loss of *your* baby and the inevitable route to full formula
feeding yet again!/
/
When you stand with your seriously ill baby on your shoulder and you
look at a breastfeeding display in the children’s ward, citing all the
things that breastfeeding protects against, all the things that are
making your baby so ill and you *know* that you have failed *that* baby.

If only you had tried harder, the pain wasn’t really that bad if only,
if only, if only...

Of course none of us have a crystal ball, breastfed babies *do *get ill
and hindsight is a wonderful thing. And of course you *love *your baby.
You would challenge anyone who dare suggest that you could love your
baby anymore were you still breastfeeding. But still, you see other
mothers breastfeeding and you are simply green with envy. You justify it
to yourself that they obviously had a much easier ride then you. Their
baby could not possibly have been as hungry as yours. They do not have
other children to take care off. Their skin is not as sensitive ,
whatever was the problem or was perceived to be the problem you have a
justification for having to give up.

And at the end of the day it’s just milk right. You love your baby just
as much, you know your baby just as much. A happy mother = a happy baby!
Formula is not poison, ok breast milk is best but formula is good enough...

Putting aside the obvious health issues here, you are deluding yourself.
It *does* matter, and it matters a great deal - but you do not know
that, because you have been robbed of your nursing relationship before
it even started. And how could you know really? You simply do not know
what you are missing, as you have not been able to experience it.

Now fast forward a few babies. Quite a few babies in my case. You seek
and find the right support whilst you are still pregnant. You listen,
you learn, you surround yourself with other happily breastfeeding
mothers and it is beginning to dawn on you that actually they did not
have an easier ride then you. They had support when it mattered! So you
grow quietly hopeful that maybe, just maybe you will be able to feed
this baby yourself. Maybe it will not all end in tears, regrets and
recriminations.

And then your new baby girl is here, born at home surrounded by all your
loved ones and she latches on beautifully, so far so good. There is no
pain, as you both know what you are doing. You have the confidence to
co-sleep from the start, making night feeds so much easier. You have
your breastfeeding counsellor on speed dial, lol, but really you do not
need her as it just works. And you fall hopelessly and utterly in love
with this little bundle. You treasure every moment you have with her at
the breast. You love that drunken sailor look she gets all the time. You
love the fact that she only wants you and all you have to do is lift
your top and let her disappear under your jumper and she is happy.

And you simply cannot bear to be parted from her. Even when she is fast
asleep in her basket you *need* to move her from room to room with you
or you feel as though your right arm has been cut off. You know when she
will want feeding as your milk will let down seconds before she wakes
up. You put her at the other end of the bed to give yourself some room
to sleep and you wake up seconds before she does and you realise that
you haven’t moved but your newborn has managed to wriggle across until
she is right next to your boob! You cannot stop sniffing her because she
smells SO good. So familiar and sweet and you get such a kick out of
seeing her grow. Knowing that it is all your milk that has caused those
chubby dimples. And then you get the first smile as she is coming off
the boob, your milk dribbling down her chin. And then the first
raspberry blown that has you both in fits of giggles. Chubby hands
stroking your breasts, a little mouth contently glugging away and you
just feel on top of the world.

Your older children imitating you by breastfeeding their dolls,
suggesting baby needs feeding so they can get on with their play and
then your toddler coming up to you and asking to have some too. So you
end up with both of them at the breast and of course your toddler does
not know what to do, but you feel such a rush of love and it heals so
many wounds, wounds you never even knew you had.

The conversations you have with your teenager, as to why she was not
breastfed, did you not love her enough? Ouch! How do you answer that one???

And through it all those breastfeeding hormones are working their magic.
Everyone around you is surprised at the change in you. The kids and your
husband are commenting on how much calmer you are. “Mum you are a much
nicer person you know!” From a friend:” What has happened to you, you
have really changed!” (Incidentally that friend ended up breastfeeding
her last baby for 3 years, having f/f the first 4!)

And what about you? You gain a new self belief. You at long last feel
comfortable in your own skin. You are WOMAN hear me roar! Your milk has
superpowers it must have. Your baby grows into a toddler and tells you
so, so it must be true! And you discover another thing about
breastfeeding that you never knew. It is such a brilliant parenting tool
when you have a toddler. How on earth did you ever manage without it before?

There are hardly any tantrums, you have the perfect tool right there,
strapped to your chest and you use it willingly and gladly. And there is
such joy, such indescribable joy. You are finally doing what you were
meant to be doing. It’s natural and all of a sudden you are the one who
other mums come up to and tell their breastfeeding story of pain and
failure and justification and you see yourself and how you used to be.

And you feel sad, so very sad that these mothers will not be
experiencing the joys and the sheer magic of breastfeeding. And you get
angry too, angry at the system that lets mothers down, angry at the
health professionals who robbed you of your own nursing relationship
with your older children and you vow to do something about it. You
become a breastfeeding counsellor yourself and you have come full circle
really.

Breastfeeding it makes a difference it really does!/

/Doris O'Connor, LLL Leader. England, UK/
- - - - -
Morgan Gallagher

http://one-of-those-women.blogspot.com/2008/06/bottle-vs-breast-mothers-story.html 

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