<<This comment came as rather a shock to me. Why would you think that not
having had a formal wedding ceremony means that their relationship is
more likely to be tenuous and manipulative?

I think it's important to not bring this sort of prejudice into a
consultation. Even if it is not explicitly stated, women will detect it.

Lara Hopkins>>

Lara, I agree that coming into a situation with prejudice is likely to cause
misunderstandings, but, if the consultant opens this door, she may find a
whole bunch of issues.

Asking the difficult questions is hard, but we learn a lot from them. "Is
there any reason you would be fearing this birth?" can help the birthing
mother to share concerns, overcome her fear, and open her heart and body to
the birth of the baby. This simple question has jumpstarted a number of
births for me, and the answers have included fear of birth defects, fear of
sex/tearing, fear of mothering.

Asking the difficult questions for a mother who is not married can open her
soul and heart to something she has been working hard to reconcile or maybe
hide. And, it's not just the unmarried couples, it's the mothers who are in
abusive situations, mothers whose partners are known to be looking around
(we live in a small town!), mothers who have had many children with
different fathers. Who knows, until you gently ask a question which seems to
be in the center of the room and carefully avoided.

I got on my instructor's nerves yesterday (what else is new?) because we
were doing a case study, and the mother in question was an unmarried Native
American teen giving birth, and what were the risk factors to her case. I
suggested her lack of marriage. She bristled at that. My explanation was,
the father of the baby had already "moved on" to a new girlfriend, so she
had no partner. It wasn't so much that she was unmarried, it was that she
had no committed partner to help her with care or basic needs. And, she had
no legal avenue to demand financial assistance. If they were married, it is
easier to legally obtain financial help from the husband. If they are not
married, it becomes more involved. Not saying that's the way it should be,
it's just the way it seems to be. Legally, that piece of paper can mean a
lot, depending on the circumstance.

Best wishes,
Sam

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