Hi Susan,
Try to remember that her disrespectful attitude is about HER and her
unresolved feelings about not being able to breastfeed although she
wanted to. I totally know how you must be feeling -- attacked and
pissed off -- but try to imagine the pain this woman must still be
experiencing over her bad breastfeeding experience that caused her to
act so rudely. Unfortunately, we always have to expect that some women
are going to feel/act this way, but we have it in our power to try to
help women realize that they are feeling angry, sad, and failed by the
health care system, not guilty. This can allow them to open their
minds to the idea that breastfeeding is still good to promote and LCs
are gentle, respectful people.
After hearing your message, she is probably feeling defensive and even
more sure that breastfeeding advocates are nuts. We LCs can refuse to
be baited, and instead address these feelings by reflective listening:
Woman: You're not one of those breastfeeding Nazi's, are you?
LC: It sounds like you had a terrible experience with a breastfeeding
advocate!
Woman: Yes! I was in terrible pain, and every one kept telling me
just to not give up. Then they made me feel guilty when I did.
LC: You felt guilty for stopping, even when it was such a bad
experience for you?
Woman: Well, I just wanted to do what was best for my baby.
LC: You know, my work is all about helping mothers breastfeed without
pain. It sounds like no one helped you figure out what was causing the
pain. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about, just like
someone who is unable to exercise because of pain should feel guilty
about that.
Woman: I guess you're right...but people tried to help me...I just got
so tired and frustrated by all the different advice. And anyway, the
new formulas with DHA are almost as good as breastmilk. My daughter's
healthier than a lot of breastfed babies I know.
LC: That's great. Part of what I want to do in my talk is educate
people about the benefits of breastfeeding. It would certainly never
be my intention to cause people to feel guilty, although I am sensitive
to the fact that hearing about the benefits of breastfeeding might be
painful for mothers who were not able to breastfeed due to inadequate
help or for other reasons. I try to help mothers understand that it is
not a failure on their part -- that they tried their absolute best and
are still wonderful mothers -- and it's ok to grieve for the loss of
the breastfeeding relationship and the human milk for the baby.
Woman: Wow, I wish I had had someone like you helping me when I was
having problems! You're hired! What kind of fee would you like? ;-)
Lynnette Hafken, MA, LLLL, IBCLC (wannabe communication skills
instructor)
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