>
>
>Every process is built from many steps, and =
>most processes have slightly different endpoints. The necessary steps, =
>the desired steps, the most important steps are never the same for =
>everyone, and we need to make sure we use the steps and reach the =
>endpoint that fit the mother, not the steps and endpoint that make the =
>most sense to us. And we need to recognize the adjustment time that's =
>needed if a mother changes her values.
>
Thank you so much for sharing this, Diane. Indeed, the lesson is a
powerful one. I'll keep reminding myself that as well as "meeting the
mother where she is" I also need to "find out exactly where she wants to
go" and work with these things in mind.
Sometimes we're so intent on persuading someone to go to that good place
of our ideals that we forget this.
At other times, though, as in the FTT baby you mentioned, the situation
is complicated by a lack of recognition of the urgency of going some
place different. Of course the mother didn't want this baby to starve --
that wasn't her endpoint or her ultimate goal. Perhaps she wanted to
exclusively breastfeed, to feed her baby as much as he wanted, following
his cues. And that created a dangerous situation. Sometimes there is a
danger in holding on to a goal -- we may not be able to achieve it and
feel we've failed (setting unrealistic goals); we might achieve it early
and be dissatisfied or unmotivated (setting low expectations due to low
confidence); it might turn out to be not such a good goal after all (the
"be careful what you wish for" phenomenon).
What if we were to let go of the "ultimacy" of "ultimate" goals? What if
we were to see the intention as being part of the process, one of the
tools, rather than an endpoint? In other words, we would view
breastfeeding not as our ultimate goal, but as one of the steps towards
strong relationships, or towards individual / family / community / world
well-being (or, as I mentioned before, world peace), which may be a step
towards something else even more far-reaching. We might then be more
flexible about the methods and processes we use, more tuned in to the
way things really are, right now, and less focussed on what they should
or could be. Would we be more forthcoming with information, options and
solutions and less adament about persuasion if we let go of some of the
"in order to" thinking? (As in: "feed the baby with an SNS in order to
breastfeed exclusively" -- the method is tied to the ultimate goal,
which may or may not be possible or even sound). In any case, persuading
people to do anything always worries me.
Sorry for the lack of clarity in this post. I'm starting to see the
far-reaching implications of the "flexibility" of "ultimate" goals for
my family. I guess my husband and I have a new agenda for our little
daily "philosophy moment".
Jo-Anne
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