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Sat, 1 Jul 2006 12:44:25 -0400 |
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Dear all:
Here's another product of my subway time mind wandering that was inspired from someone who
said she wanted to run over her scale with a car. I have a better use for it. Donate it to the new
cause. As part of the lactation exchange program where I am someday hoping Bill Gates will
miraculously give us the billions he has donated to other child survival causes and the surplus can
be used for us to visit each other, I am thinking up the Manhattan version whch will probably be in
stark contrast to the Lactopia visit. It will either be a boot camp experience or a "Survivor"
episode.
Challenge 1: Personal dynamics
Ala a "big brother" type situation, each group will consist of four lactation consultants housed in
one bedroom apartment in a fifth floor walk-up with constant video monitoring of the emotional
dynamics of living under typical middle class conditions in Manhattan. Emotional breakdowns will
result in elimination from the games.
Challenge 2: Packing ability
In a timed trial lactation consultants will be tested on their ability to pack as much gear as
possible into a roll-aboard suitcase, including a baby weighing scale. The lactation consultant (or
team) that packs in the gadgets resulting in the heaviest "weight" will win this challenge.
Challenge 3: Strength and endurance
The winner of Challenge 2 will pack the roll-aboards for this next trial. Lactation consultants will
be given identical roll-aboards with identical weights and required to run up and down subway
steps until they can no longer climb steps with the roll aboard. Lactation consultants that pause
for more than one minute during their stair climbing will be eliminated. The lactation consultant
(or team) that continues for the longest duration wins this this challenge.
Challenge 4: Agility and speed
Lactation consultants will start at the top of Manhattan on the Lexington Ave subway line during
rush hour traffic with a fully loaded roll aboard. (For those of you not familiar with Manhattan, the
East Side of Manhattan only has the Lexington Avenue line which is consequently is the most
crowded). They will be required to move from one car to the next at each subway stop without
touching any other subway passengers with their rollaboard during the process. Bumping other
passengers with any part of the weighing scale or being caught by the MTA police moving
between the cars while the train is in motion will be disqualified from the competition. The first to
arrive at the last stop in Manhattan wins this challenge.
Challenge 5: Multitasking
Lactation consultants will be sent out into a full blown rainstorm with a packed rollaboard,
standard umbrella, expresso drink of their choice, food item of their choice (muffin, bagel,
croisant, etc) cell phone, and a child also eating his/her breakfast. They will be required to make
five phone calls to clients, drink the expresso, and drop the child off at a designated location 20
blocks from the starting location. Points will be awarded for dryness of the rollaboard, the LC and
the child; for client satisfaction in response to the phone calls; for consumption of the complete
breastfast by the LC and the child and for speed. No strollers or earphones for the phone will be
allowed.
Challenge 6: Dangerous dash.
Lactation consultants will be sent out in the middle of a snowstorm to make a dash across the
middle of a busy avenue in stop and go traffic with a fully packed rollaboard. Points will be
deducted for contact with other pedestricians, bicycles, and moving vehicles. Points will be
awarded for cleanliness and dryness of the lactation consultant upon reaching the other side of
the road.
Challenge 7: Extreme counseling.
Lactation consultants will be given 3 clients who are CEOs of major businesses, who have pumped
and bottle fed their babies since birth. The mothers will be selected for a copious supply and
babies will be selected who have no suck swallow problems. Your task will be to persuade these
mothers that their babies can get a full feeding at the breast WITHOUT using a weighing scale.
Bonus points will be given if you can persuade these mothers to feed their infants at the breast at
every feeding when they are at home with their babies.
Challenge 8: Guestimation.
Lactation consultants will be expected to guess the intake and the average weekly rate of gain for
a room full of 15 babies and their mothers during a 2 hour support group using their
observational skills alone. The lactation consultant (or group) with the closest average estimates
to the actual rate of gain and intake during the support group will win this challenge.
Challenge 9: Debating skills.
Lactation consultants will be pitted against renowned sleep trainers in a contest to persuade
pregnant women to cosleep (not necessarily co-bed) with their babies per the American Academy
of Pediatric recommentations. You will present your evidence at an evening seminar on the Upper
East Side of Manhattan in a debating forum. The lactation consultant that persuades the most
women to cosleep wins the challenge.
Challenge 10: Dress for success.
Lactation consultants will be given a credit card and one day to shop for a professional wardrobe
to be rated by Upper East Side mothers who work in the fashion industry. These women will rank
the lactation consultants on the basis of the wardrobe that is least like their conception of a
breastfeeding N***.
I could go on and on and on, but I'll stop here.
Best Susan.
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