Lets imagine you have just moved to a new county where you don't know the
language at all and all you have is your husband.  He is busy doing his things,
and you are trying to talk to him so you have SOMEONE to talk to!  But, he
speaks this new language well and has lots of people to talk to, doesn't
understand why you need him so much.  He doesn't understand why you don't just learn
the new language and make yourself at home.  You go to bed, and now you are sad,
lonely, crying, and worried that you are not safe in this new country.  Your
husband picks up his pillow and blanket and goes to the other room so he can't
hear your crying, it is disturbing his sleep.  So, here you are, in this
strange place where all you knew was him, and he has no time or patience with your
needs. Imagine how hurt you would be to have the one person who is supposed
to be loving you and taking care of you not be there. How long would you trust
him to be there?

How long before the next step from the couch is his clothes on the front
lawn? Your method of communication sets the groundwork for your child's sense of
safety and trust.  Years ago we could be told that crying is good for babies,
and maybe not understand how wrong that is.  But, today there is too much
science that tells us that meeting our babies' needs is necessary for healthy brain
development.

I vary this according to who the audience is.  Sometimes it is changed to fit
teen moms, and it is about being ignored by their friends, etc.  It depends
who it is geared to, but it is always about how you feel when at your most
desperate and dependent, you are ignored and what you feel not only for yourself
but about those who ignore you.

On a side note, ages ago I attended an interesting presentation at a
perinatal health conference by a doctor discussing the neuron development of the
infant brain.  How important it was to the developing brain to have the connections
made, or they never really did.  He said that allowing a baby to cry risked
missing an opportunity to help neurons connect that controlled part of the
brain's ability to empathize, feel a social connection, etc.  He explained how by
not having these "connections" as we got older we "learned" the behavior of
hugging, loving, etc. but lacked the "feeling" that went with it because the
connections are not there. He discussed the brain waves of sociopaths that never
had certain connections made and theorized that by ignoring our babies needs
for connection we were creating a risk for sociopathic behavior because we have
no idea exactly how many neurons need to connect, how long a window we really
have, though he said perhaps 18 months, and what would work for one baby but
not another.  This was even before the magical first three years information
was public knowledge.  He recommended never allowing any baby to cry
unattended.  Actually, it made a lot of sense. I sat there smiling that again science
was validating the needs of mothering.  This was perhaps as much as 8 years ago
in Clearwater, FL.  He had a handout, but not as detailed as his presentation
that included video and slides.  I save everything, but much of my materials
that old are in storage.  If anyone else remembers hearing this, maybe they can
add more.  The reason he started all this research was to try to create a
more appropriate nursery environment for preemies and to have an understanding of
why some preemies would be blind even though there were no physical reasons
apparent.  Part of his presentation also explained that by patching babies eyes
the neurons that controlled that part of the brain were not connecting and
therefore the blindness was not due to the eyes themselves, but the lack of
neuron connection.  In an attempt to correct this, NICU's had stopped patching
eyes and started draping the isolettes and keeping the rooms darker instead.
There is technology in place today that allows us to understand so much more than
we did in years past.  Just as James McKenna's research shows the coordinated
breathing patterns of co-sleeping mothers and babies, soon research may be
able to "prove" babies need mothering at the breast.

Ah, here I am six children later and science is finally validating what I
have been doing for YEARS! Haha.

Take care,
Pam MazzellaDiBosco, IBCLC
FL, USA

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