I feel it necessary to emphasize two points concerning quoting a mother
saying "She had gone to what she thought was going to be a supportive
meeting and was told that not sleeping with her child was doing him harm
and implied that she was not a good mother."
First, mothers hear everything from their own perspective, just like with
breastfeeding. As one mother will hear "breastfeeding makes babies smarter"
as telling her she has harmed her baby by formula feeding, then another
mother may hear "sleeping with your baby protects against SIDS" as telling
her she has harmed her baby by not co-sleeping. The mother has perceived
information-giving as a judgment that was not intended.
Secondly, back to the 'guilt' thread we discussed a while ago and related to
the 'implied she was not a good mother' quote ... no one can MAKE anyone
else feel guilty. We choose to put that on ourselves when we interpret
information from a certain viewpoint and internalize those feelings. If I
truly believed that other people could make me feel guilty by giving me
information/their viewpoint, then I would have felt 'guilt' over
breastfeeding past a year, sleeping with my baby, not using a pacifier, not
leaving them with a babysitter until they were 3 years old, etc. etc. If
their was another observer at this meeting that was quoted, she would likely
tell us there was no implication that this mother was a bad mother.
I have led LLL and LLLC meetings for years, and Leaders bend over backwards
to welcome mothers at various stages in their mothering and to accept them
"where they are at" - this is part of our training (I am sure someone can
tell me a first-hand account of a case where that was not true, but I will
say that second-hand accounts are very open to subjective reporting).
Granted, Leaders become more skilled at this ability with experience.
One mother attended my group for months when she did not agree with any of
LLL philosophy (disagreed with meeting babies' needs, slapped crawlers'
hands when they were exploring, put them to bed to cry, etc). Why? I asked
her! She said she enjoyed being with other breastfeeding mothers and felt
comfortable sharing her own parenting philosophy because we made her feel
accepted and welcome, while still sharing LLL's philosophy.
As Ann said, "Sharing information and stressing the many, many positives
about breastfeeding does more to get women to breastfeed and keep them
breastfeeding than all the negative threats and shaming." Unfortunately,
some mothers will interpret 'positives' as 'threats and shaming' if the
positives do not match with their current mindset. This is their issue, and
should not be taken as a reflection of what actually was intended or said.
Michelle Bentley, LLLC
----- Original Message -----
From: "aakel" <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Wednesday, February 27, 2002 10:02 PM
Subject: communicatng after being shamed
> Once again Barbara Wilson Clay is the voice of reason. Where does anyone
> get the right to judge? I remember one mother who called me in tears.
> She had gone to what she thought was going to be a supportive meeting
> and was told that not sleeping with her child was doing him harm and
> implied that she was not a good mother. I may have had my children in my
> bed but how can I judge that this is right for everyone else. .....
Sharing information and stressing the many, many positives about
> breastfeeding does more to get women to breastfeed and keep them
> breastfeeding than all the negative threats and shaming. Just my long 2
> cents worth. Ann Anderson,BSN,IBCLC
>
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