> Hi all,I've returned from a few months of nomail. I've been trying to stay up-to-date by reading the archives. I suspect No one on this list would feel professionally offended by the below parodied article about breastfeeding. I received the advance article in my email box from "The Compleat Mother" with permission to pass it along freely. Ruth Callahan Postpartum Doula web page http://www.webspan.net/~callahan New York, New York > From The Compleat Mother, October 97 issue, > RR#3 Clifford, Ontario Canada N0G 1M0 > 519-327-8785 > email : [log in to unmask] > > The Thing > by Janis Honea > > On another planet, a young man was preparing for his first sexual > encounter. He was nervous, > since he had never spoken to anyone who had ever done it > successfully. He decided to ask > some of his friends about their experiences. > "I really wanted to!" exclaimed one, but my doctor said my penis > was too small." > "Really!" interrupted another. "My doctor said mine was too > large!" > "I wanted to too, but it turns out I didn't have enough to satisfy > her." said another. > "I never wanted to! Its so gross! I'd feel like an animal or > something. I know they say that > penis is best, but all mine were artificially aroused and they were > happy and satisfied," said > the oldest in the group. > "Haven't you been divorced seven times?" asked the young man. > "Yes, but that had nothing to do with it." he said. > "I hear you need to toughen it up before you do it. You know, > scrub it with a loofah or > something." said one friend. > "And you can't let her go for any longer than a couple of > minutes at first, or you'll get sore." > "My cousin said it was incredibly painful. He penis cracked > and bled. He only lasted a > couple of days. Thank God we have alternatives today," said the > friend who was "too small." > "I have a friend who did it," said one, almost whispering. "It > seemed like a lot of work to > me. Every time I talked to him it seemed like he had just finished or > was just about to make > love to his wife. I told him surely she was not being satisfied or > she wouldn't be wanting it > again so soon. I told him he needed to supplement with a vibrator. > He wouldn't go for it." > "Well, I really think I want to try." said the young man. > "Good for you!" said his "too big" friend. "But be sure you > get her on a schedule or she > will manipulate you." > The young man was so confused as he left he decided to ask his > physician about it. > "I understand your concern." said his doctor, placing a hand on > his shoulder. A lot of > men, especially our first timers are unable to meet their women's > needs with their penises. > Taking classes, reading books, doesn't seem to help. Despite all > their best efforts, many men > just can't. Its called insufficient penis syndrome. I know you want > to try, and I think that is > great, but let me send you home with this vibrator just in case. > Look, its bent, or angled to > insure that you do her in a semi-upright position." > > The young man gratefully took the vibrator home and thought about > all the things he had > heard. When the time finally came he was determined to do it > naturally. > > He was excited and nervous. He tried to do everything right. > He watched the clock > and stopped after exactly the prescribed period of time. The event > was a humiliating failure. > His woman was frustrated and upset. He couldn't understand it. He > had done everything > he was told to do. > > His honey told him she loved him and that his touch was > sufficient, and together they > would learn to get it right, but the next time she seemed interested > he thought, "Just this > once I'll use the vibrator. I can't stand the thought of her going > unsatisfied. > > No one had warned him of the danger of penis confusion. Soon she > developed a preference > for the vibrator and rejected the penis altogether. In a way, he > preferred it too. If he needed > to get away sometimes, anyone could satisfy her. And though he heard > he should hold her > every time to promote bonding, it got easier and easier to prop her in > the corner with the > vibrator while he went about doing his chores. > > It was important for him to keep busy. If allowed time to feel, > he always felt vaguely > cheated and sad. Being a lover was not at all what he had hoped. He > wanted to get away > from his wife. He resented her demands and felt inadequate to meet > her needs. The > closeness that he longed for never developed. > > One day he got up the courage to ask his friend for the phone > number of the man he > knew who "did it." Hi," said the young man. "I got your number > from a friend. I would > like some information on lovemaking. I wasn't able to with my first > love and if I ever have > another, I really want to make love to her myself." > > "How old is your relationship?" asked the man on the phone. > "Just a few months," said the young man sadly. > "Would you like to make love to your wife now? Its not too late!" > said the man. > "Do you really think I could?" asked the young man. He felt > hopeful for the first time in > ages. They talked for some time and the man invited him to a La Cosa > League meeting. > (La Cosa is Spanish for The Thing, and slang for penis.) La Cosa > League was a group > dedicated to providing support and information to men who wanted to > make love to their > women. He was amazed at how many men were doing it and was > encouraged by men > who had overcome many obstacles to successfully satisfy their wives. > "What do I need to do?" the young man asked, wide-eyed and > determined. > "The first thing you need to do, is get rid of the vibrator. > The young man did not know > how to respond. A rock of nerves formed in the pit of his stomach. > "I couldn't possibly..." > "Now your woman may object a bit, but persevere. She will > quickly become accustomed > to the feel of your body." > "What if I can't satisfy her?" the young man asked. > The leader assured him that even if it took a while, with > practice he should have no trouble. > "Well, how often, and for how long?" > "Take your cues from her," responded one of the men. "Watch your > wife, not the clock." > His mind reeled as he drove home. He thought over all the things > he had heard. How > come no one had ever told him this before? It seemed so radical, but > somehow it felt right. > At first his woman was not interested at all in switching. She > protested when he offered > her the penis. Refused it cold. But with patience and persistence > she eventually accepted it. > He was amazed that once she took it, she did not seem to want to let > go. He had never been > so elated in his whole life. He had done it! He had made love to > his wife! With his own body! > The next time his wife requested the vibrator he gently and > lovingly offered the penis again. > She fussed some but quickly accepted him. He was even more excited > than the first time. He > had worried then that it was a lucky fluke, but now he believed he > really could do it. To his > delight, his wife never asked for the vibrator again. > > The transformation in his attitude toward his wife was > remarkable. He no longer resented > midnight lovemaking sessions. He felt a bond with her like he had > never known. He didn't > want other people satisfying her, and he didn't want to get away. His > attitude about himself > also changed. He felt so confident and calm. He was not > inadequate, and he was not > replaceable. He hurt when he thought of all the men who didn't know > what he knew. He felt > even sorrier for their women. As he watched his wife thrive on his > love alone his enthusiasm > for lovemaking grew harder and harder to contain. One day while > talking with his old friends > someone brought up the latest advancement in vibrators. They > blithely discussed the merits > of the latest tool when he excitedly blurted, "We've thrown ours > away." > > The room fell silent. > > "What?" asked the friend with the "too small" penis. "We've > thrown the vibrator away" > he said again. > "Well what do you use then?" asked the friend with the "too > large" penis. > "I make love to her myself," he said. > "Why would you want to go and do something like that?" > "Doesn't it hurt?" > "You'll be sorry." > "Oh No! You haven't been hanging around with those fanatics > from La Cosa League, > have you?" asked his friend who "could not." > "They aren't fanatics," the young man said calmly. "They gave > me a lot of good > information and I'm very happy with my decision. > The men burst out laughing. "Next thing you know, he is going > to stop shaving," > joked the divorced one. > "Oh! Or letting her sleep in his bed." roared another. > "You've really done it now," said the "too small" one, > sobering up. "What are you going > to do if you have to leave her for a while? And you'd better hope she > doesn't start biting!" > "Be prepared to give up your life. warned the divorced one. > "Your brain is going to turn to oatmeal." > The young man thought carefully about that and smiled to > himself. He didn't feel like > he was giving up anything, especially in the light of all he had > gained. > "You know," he said, "I think I like it as much as she does." > "Boy, You really are a radical." > > Janice Honea lives in Carson City, Nevada