Well, here I am pulling my listmother prerogative and exceeding three posts
per day.  This discussion has me hooked.  

Just read Pamela's post, asking much validity we should accord maternal
unwillingness to breastfeed.  We should accord maternal feelings full
validity as feelings, but we should most definitely not simply tell them
it's fine not to breastfeed because they don't feel like it.  I wasn't even
thinking of the mothers who just don't breastfeed, but of the ones who do so
despite not wanting to, and these women are of concern to me because I feel
very strongly that we should give them the opportunity to hold their
feelings up for self-scrutiny in broad daylight, in the presence of a
non-judgmental person, in hopes of enhancing their enjoyment of it, because
I think both mother and child NEED for it not to be a grim duty.  I was not
thinking that they would be better off weaning, rather I would want this
mother to know that I see at what personal cost she is feeding her baby, and
even though her baby may not thank her for it, I will do so on the baby's
behalf.  Sometimes just knowing there is one person in the health services
who says in so many words 'I will not reject you for not liking
breastfeeding' is enough for them to continue, and even to allow themselves
to dislike it less.

Pamela mentions wondering how a woman discomfited at the intimacy of
breastfeeding, endures the intimacy of getting pregnant, and this is indeed
an issue.  Sometimes she hasn't even wanted to have a child, nor to have an
intimate physical relationship with a male partner, but feels that it is
impossible to share this with her partner because it is even more taboo than
saying you don't want to breastfeed.  If intimacy with your spouse is
problematic, what alternative exists, especially if you are dependent on the
relationship for other reasons, like physical or economic safety?
Distancing oneself from one's sex partner is no better than distancing
oneself from one's child during breastfeeding, and both things diminish the
relationships, in my opinion.    

"Breastfeeding _is_ good for the baby, no matter what might be going through
the mother's mind.  Babies are too selfish, and/or too 
inexperienced to notice what the mother is feeling so long as they have
unlimited access to the breast."  I would like to believe this is true
beyond the obvious fact that the breastmilk will always be preferable to any
other food, but the complexity of interplay that happens around feeding
makes me unable to take it at face value.  A mother who is depressed affects
her baby's social and mental development in negative ways, because she is
not as available to interact, and human children need that interaction in
order to develop normally.  How do we know that a mother who really dislikes
breastfeeding, and distances herself mentally from it, goes unnoticed by the
child?  Again, I would not advocate weaning to bottles as the solution,
instead I would hope that this mother has an accepting environment in which
to air her reactions and get help.  The safe place to show her feelings can
be what saves the breastfeeding, and in the best of circumstances it can
also be the place where the mother dares to be proud of having conquered at
least one of her inner demons.  The amount of support a woman needs is
astonishingly small in most cases, so small that it is scandalous that the
health services in filthy rich Scandinavia so often seem incapable of
providing it.

But where I live, pretty much every mother initiates breastfeeding, and the
ones I am thinking of are the ones who secretly don't like it, can't tell
anyone, and are ashamed of themselves for the feelings, which only get worse
the longer they feed.  Enabling them to share their thoughts can be enough
to enable them to keep feeding.

To Gia, who notes that you can make dinner for your partner out of a sense
of duty, but making love out of a sense of duty is not sustainable: I would
argue that neither is making dinner in the long run, and I am reluctant to
eat food that has been prepared by someone who didn't really want to cook
it.  How's that for nitpicky??  For the record, I also have more fun cooking
for people who enjoy eating, than for those who don't care what they eat
because they consume food out of a sense of duty to keep up their strength
in order to work efficiently, or just to stop the hunger pangs.  I see this
life as difficult and wretched enough, without missing out on all the
potential for pleasure that comes of giving willingly of oneself to someone
one loves.  And no, I am not brave enough to say to women that breastfeeding
makes them more motherly, or that it makes infants more human, because I am
not prepared to say that a baby who is artifically fed is less human, or a
mother who artificially feeds is less motherly.  Maybe I will feel
differently some day, but not now, though I am in complete agreement that
obligatory breastfeeding is not equivalent to joyful breastfeeding.

The ultimate consequence of accepting joyless breastfeeding is a completely
utilitarian view of breastfeeding, so that mothers who are not covering all
the baby's nutritional needs may be discounted and told that they may as
well go to complete artificial feeding, as though the process itself is
worthless.  I do feel sad when someone decides not to breastfeed, and I do
feel a clutch of fear for the baby, and those feelings are what motivate me
to invite women to talk about their decision, but I want our conversation to
be as free as possible of my own emotional baggage and my judgmentalness,
because I assume that this mother has plenty to carry already, and I think
there is a better chance of me learning something useful for the next such
case, if I don't add to her load.

Rachel Myr
Willing to accept that cleaning house or doing yard work or paying taxes out
of a sense of duty are sustainable, but not cooking food :-)
Kristiansand, Norway

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