In a message dated 9/23/00 3:31:16 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
[log in to unmask] writes:

> Although this was not handled in a positive manner at all, I'd like to
>  > query all of you.  What sort of suggestions to you offer to couples who
>  > are needing to re-connect after the birth of a baby?  What do you all
>  > tell to new parents about the mother feeling "touched out?" What do you
>  > say to fathers (or anyone, for that matter) to help them deal with any
>  > negative feelings?  I'm looking for wise suggestions, something I can
>  > print up on a list for a personal handy reference.

Dear Friends:
    Some thoughts on this topic: For one, what sort of relationship did this
couple have prior to the conception of the baby? Even if the foundation of
the relationship is firm, a baby can disrupt it, but only for a while.
Whereas a weak relationship often can not withstand the stress of a baby.
    How is the mother using the breastfeeding relationship? In a way that
excludes the father? My husband was upset that I was sometimes between him
and our baby in bed at night. Once he told me, I could tell him that I was
switching breasts to feed, so sometimes Clelia would be on one side of me
(between us)  and sometimes on the other (so I would be in the middle).  If
he hadn't told me, his hurt would have festered. Who knows how it could have
manifested if he hadn't communicated?
    Sometimes moms get into doing everything for the baby. This can leave dad
out also. He may need a special activity. If dad is the one who always bathes
baby, and has special time alone with baby, then he can get his fatherly
needs met.
    Sometimes dads need to grow up and learn that baby does get most of the
attention first, at least at the beginning. This is not a personal attack on
the dad, but the reality of life with a newborn. As with everything,
communication is the key. He could have negative feelings sometimes; it is
what he does with them that is the key. Nothing wrong with negative feelings,
as long as they don't become overwhelming; mothers get them also!! The birth
of a baby is a life passage, for both parents.
    A "touched-out" mother always wants to be talked with. Maybe she can be
touched in the morning, or given a non-sexual massage, like having her
shoulders or feet rubbed. Maybe some household chores could be done without
being asked. His pampering her some now, will pay back a thousand fold, at
some point in the future.
    What do you all think?
    Warmly,
Nikki Lee RN, MSN, Mother of 2, IBCLC, CIMI
craniosacral therapy practitioner; childbirth educator
Elkins Park (a suburb of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; northeastern USA)
supporter of the WHO Code and the Mother Friendly Childbirth Initiative

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