I wonder if some of this distancing from LLL among women who are
breastfeeding is because of what I call the "Super-Woman Syndrome."  I have
seen many women get caught up in the fantasy of being the successful career
person, AND the perfect mother (breastfeeding even though it means pumping
at work, for example), AND the perfect spouse, AND the perfect housekeeper,
AND doing it all without any network of support.  They think they're not
supposed to need support.  "I am Woman, I am Strong."  Men do this too, of
course.  And perhaps women have taken on some of the traditional masculine
attitudes about this as they have tried to be successful in the traditional
male work of work outside the home.

I think this ideal is gaining ground -- that we're supposed to do it all
without support, we're supposed to be independent, we're supposed to be
strong, we're not supposed to need anybody else.

Over the past 15 years of teaching at the university level, I've seen more
and more students crash and burn from lonlieness, from not knowing how to
study, from not knowing how to make friends, from not knowing the power of
supporting each other.  When I started teaching in 1985, it was common for
students to form study groups, and groups of students would come to my
office to discuss problems related to class or personal problems.  Now,
students act like forming a study group is a sign of weakness, and every
semester I'll have students come to me as individuals reporting that they
are struggling with lonlieness, or they've been raped, or their parents are
getting divorced, etc. and they are trying to cope all alone because to
admit you need help is a sign of weakness.  Sometimes students respond to my
suggestions that they form support groups as though it were Alcoholics
Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous or something else.

I'm not expressing myself very clearly.  But it seems almost as though, as
self-help 12-step types of groups have become more common and public, people
have come to view any sort of support group as a sign of weakness, or that
you have a problem.

And in the process, they've lost the understanding that we all need friends,
we all need support, we all need affirmation of the choices we've made.  And
we need to know that we are not alone in our struggles, that others have
been there before us, that we are not always to blame, that other people
will understand and not judge us as lacking for needing someone to talk to.

Over the years, I have suggested to many students that they get counseling
through the university's counseling center, and they almost always react
with horror at the idea.  Often, I am the only person they have told about
their problem, and then only because it was in the privacy of my office, and
they trusted me.


Kathy Dettwyler
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