Marit Olanders wrote:

"Amningshjälpen's motto is to support the mother whatever her option is 
about feeding. We haven't walked a mile in a particular mother's shoes. 
If she feels she can offer her baby love and relaxation with a bottle, 
but not at the breast, how can we say she is wrong?"

I'm really not sure what you're saying here.  What has her choice to do 
with any of us, if she's taken that choice from an informed stand 
point?  Why would you say she was 'wrong'?

It's not about influencing mothers, or making judgements on their 
choices.  You're not presenting a choice with the obvious right answer 
and the obvious wrong answer.  You're giving factually accurate 
statements and leaving the choice to them.

Women don't need others to decide which is the best course of action for 
them, and then watch the others tailor their own behaviour to achieve 
that.  They need accurate, evidence based research, given to them openly 
and supportively.

Some mothers will always choose to refuse, no matter the facts.

People are allowed to choose unhealthy options.  But the issue is 
informed choice.  And if they do choose to refuse, they need to given 
the info to carry out that option as safely as possible.

Therefore the core area for work, is in giving the information.  Not in 
making their choices for them, or deciding ahead of time what their 
choices should be, and pushing them to that choice.

Making the 'wrong' choice, or telling her she's made the wrong choice, 
doesn't come into it.  Neither does blame, which was mentioned earlier.  
Blame doesn't come into it.  Blame is the formula companies tactic to 
prevent information spreading.  No one blames cigarette smokers when 
they come into the stop smoking clinic.  They commiserate that they 
ended up making poor choices earlier in their lives, /for whatever 
reason/, and celebrate that they are now trying to move on.

This is not about putting forward info in such a way, that the mother 
will choose the option you want from her.  This is about empowering her 
to make a choice based on facts.  She can always choose to go another 
way.  As I've said, she owns her body, she has a right to refuse the 
breast.  That's a choice she can make.  Should she make that choice, she 
has a right to know what health risks she is taking on board for both 
herself, and her baby.  Just like anyone who chooses to smoke, has a 
right to know the risks involved.  Just like anyone who eats fast food 
every day, has a right to know what that may do to their body.

And any mother who states she thinks she can give the same bonding and 
love to a baby from a bottle, and not the breast, needs to be directed 
to the stories written by the mothers who have done both, so she has a 
chance of making an informed choice on that subject.  Only they can 
speak to us of the differences they've found, and mothers contemplating 
that, need to have those voices presented to them. 

Flip it on its head, to the 'norm'.  Breastfeeding is the norm, and many 
mothers are denied that, and grieve for it.  Mothers who have tried to 
have a baby on their breast, but have been failed by bad support, and 
who, for instance, end up EPing, don't need to be told their loss 
doesn't exist, because another mother doesn't think she'll feel it when 
she hasn't experienced it.  I'm in touch with two mothers right now, who 
cannot breastfeed for medical reasons.  One had to transition her 9 
month old off the breast and onto formula.  The grief she is 
experiencing from this, and the loss of day to day bonding she has had 
to live with, is a terrible and unique pain to her.  Her story needs 
told too, no matter how it might upset a mother who has chosen to 
refuse.  Where is the day to day defence for the mothers who didn't 
choose this pain, and who drowning in a litany of "It doesn't matter." 
from well meaning friends?  When we don't let mothers who bottle feed 
know they risk less bonding, from the lack of the breast, we silence the 
grief of such mothers.  We have grief here - what do we do?  Pretend it 
doesn't exist in hope of soothing the pain away, or acknowledge it and 
comfort and move on?

And that's before we get to our duty to the baby, and to speak up for 
it.  A mother may not feel she is losing on bonding with her baby, but 
we know the baby has lost out.  If asked, we have to speak up for the 
baby. 

We can't get into the rights and wrongs of choice, and use that as an 
excuse to not speak the facts.  That's patronage.  "There, there, don't 
bother your pretty little head about it."

The facts of breastfeeding are very simple, and very straightforward.

Not breastfeeding increases the risk of serious illness in both mother 
and child.  More formula fed babies die than breastfed ones.

End of. 

If you are not telling a mother that, when she asks you about infant 
feeding, you are failing her.  You might not be telling her as you've 
not found a way to say it, or you are afraid of her reaction, or you 
feel you are giving her some emotional bomb neither of you can cope 
with.  But a lot of the time, it's not being given her, as you don't 
want to 'burden' her with the truth.  That's not your call.

If you don't tell her, then it is _you_ that has chosen to refuse.  
You've chosen to refuse her the facts, and denied her the right to find 
her own path with them.  You've taken on a position of gatekeeper to 
information, and you've decided what she can and can't cope with.  
That's untenable in my opinion (and I don't mean you, Marit, obviously, 
I mean generically, as in 'you' of all of us.).  I would not trust 
anyone who did this to me, and I sure as hell wouldn't want to do it to 
others.  It was done to me, and I'll never forgive a system that 
conspired to keep me in ignorance.  As a woman, fighting to stay afloat 
in a patriarchy, I don't need other women deciding what I should or 
shouldn't know.  I need honesty, integrity, and to know when I ask a 
question, I get a full range of answers.  And I need to know I will be 
supported regardless of my choice.  I need to know that others will 
understand that there are huge pressures on me, and that I may not feel 
strong enough to take the best path for my baby.  But I don't need lied 
to about what my baby actually needs - which is my breast.

Mothers who choose to refuse may feel bad about their choices later, may 
feel they have lost out.  Well, it was their choice and they have to 
live by their own path.   All of us have made choices for ourselves, and 
our children, we regret.  We don't go about beating ourselves to a pulp 
about it, usually, we sigh, acknowledge and move on.  We acknowledge 
that we are not super-human, and that we make mistakes, and sometimes we 
were just simply crushed by the expectations upon us to be all things to 
every person we care for.

Once more, we are looking at this dynamic as if it's all about the 
mythical individual woman, and her choice.  And it's totally not about a 
BILLION dollar industry, making BILLIONS of dollars in constructing the 
argument to be about this mythical woman.  Every time we remain silent 
on the risks, we do their job for them.  And we also deny it's got 
anything to do with a patriarchy that seeks to control women through 
control of their bodies and their children, and that often this control 
is exerted through lack of information.  And then we are the ones 
withholding the information!

There are millions of women out there, mourning the lack of 
breastfeeding in their lives.  Both as breastfeeding babies themselves, 
and as mothers of those they either refused or had denied to them 
through lack of support.  They feel the pain of that lack every day, and 
live with the knowledge that their badly informed choices have made 
their lives harder, and the lives of their children harder.  And I want 
those women to be heard and understood and comforted.  And every time we 
do not say something, in order to 'protect' them, we make their pain worse.

We simply do not have a right to either withhold information, or to 
judge the choice made.  All we can do is give that mythical individual 
woman the facts and support she needs, so that she is actually making 
her own choice, and not following the choice society, her family, and 
commercial interests have made around her.  Even with all this info and 
support, some will choose to refuse as that is genuinely what they 
want.  So what?  Not your problem.  Smile and move on.

And we find the courage to do all that - speak the unspeakable facts -  
in the baby's name.  Babies need us to speak the truth to their 
mothers.  Anything less, then we have failed both the mother AND the baby.

At the end of the day, it's not about if we choose to tell mothers, or 
how we choose to tell them of the risks.  It's about whether or not we 
have the right to withhold the information.

Morgan Gallagher


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