----- Original Message -----
From: "Rachel Myr" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Sunday, August 10, 2008 5:43 PM
Subject: [LACTNET] not liking breastfeeding
**Hello all,
There is so much in my mind, due to this thread... I could leave most of
many post standing and react to them, but a very important part I would like
to react to, is this:
"But I do think that if we always do all of the normal things solely from a
sense of duty, with no joy in the doing per se, it's a sign that there is
something amiss. Maybe we should be doing something else, somewhere else,
with someone else. Maybe someone else should be loving us more clearly
too."
I don't think a child doesn't know it, when something is missing from our
personal, motherly well being. But I think changing to formula because of
some kind of hindrance, is like symptom fighting instead of problem solving.
I'm always very much into problem solving; it's deeper and more
constructive. Becoming a parent, a mother, is the most impressive transition
in human life and children, already as infants, can cause all sorts of
emotions in us and wake up, stir up memories that have been (kept) asleep
for a long, long time. The problem is, I think, that a mother does not
always have enough energy or time to straight away solve those problems that
cause her to refuse to breastfeed. I do think, though, that an empathetic
counsellor could do a lot for a mother who decided not to breastfeed. Just
like "I want to wean" is often a sign of saying "I don't know how to solve
the problem I have to deal with" (question behind the question, remark
behind the remark), I think "I don't want to breastfeed" may often be a way
of saying "I am afraid to breastfeed because... (fill in the gap)". The gap
can have to do with dependency, with physical aspects, with relational
backgrounds or with whatever you can think of. It's probably an art in
itself, to learn to be able to address the issue in the right way and get to
exactly the right point, there where a woman can hear you and feels safe
enough to let the emotion come to the surface that is responsible for how
she feels. If we can achieve this, this sense of security, we offer a woman
a wonderful chance to start with coming to terms with whatever bothers her.
Telling her that it is okay to wean or to not breastfeed, may sound like
'respect', but may also be fear in ourselves, fear of having to deal with a
personal history that may be too hard for us to hear. Is it that we don't
want to interfere... or is it that we don't care enough...? Did we come to
terms with our own problems enough to deal with someone else's...?
Many say: "You don't respect a woman when she says she wants to wean/formula
feed and come up with info", but I think it is disrespectful to *not* more
thouroughly get into everything concerned, because, at least with *this*
child, it is a once in a lifetime opportunity and the dyad deserves to know
what is important. We as lc's are supposed to know what is important; that
is part of our professionality, and we have the responsibility to develop
our competencies in this area. Like someone else said: many ideas have come
by with which I can sympathize and it may well be a very good thing to no
longer know where we stand, because it protects us against pretending to
know what is right... even though we know that breastmilk and preferably
breastfeeding is right, in the deepest sense of it.
Warmly,
Marianne Vanderveen, Netherlands
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