>>Although this was not handled in a positive manner at all, I'd like to
query all of you.  What sort of suggestions to you offer to couples who
are needing to re-connect after the birth of a baby?  What do you all
tell to new parents about the mother feeling "touched out?" What do you
say to fathers (or anyone, for that matter) to help them deal with any
negative feelings?  I'm looking for wise suggestions, something I can
print up on a list for a personal handy reference.<<

First and foremost, I highly recommend Bill Sear's book, Becoming a Father.
Dads need to realize that the best way to mom's heart is through baby, not
against baby. When he supports the dyad lovingly, doing whatever it takes to
make them successful and happy, mom is going to fall in love with him more,
not less. The worst thing in the world a dad can do is compete with his
offspring: mom has been hard-wired to take care of baby first, and there
will be serious repercussions to disturbing this natural instinct.

The couples needs to approach parenting as a partnership. Hopefully they've
been mature enough to recognize that a young baby's needs are going to be
temporarily intense and must take priority *for a while*. This does not mean
trashing the marriage [or relationship], it means finding new ways to do
marriage. I try to help parents realize that they dont' have to "get away"
from their baby to maintain intimacy or fun. Baby can go on trips, baby can
go to the movies (I love drive-in movie theaters for those early years),
they can go almost anywhere we can. It is our attitude, not the presence of
baby, that determines our experience.

Being "touched out".......... a big topic in La Leche League meetings. Dads
need to understand that mom has been "demanded upon" all day and is probably
not feeling open to being "demanded of" anymore. She needs to be wooed with
loving gestures that make her load lighter. And she may need cuddling
without sexual demands for a while-- she needs to be poured into, not taken
from.

Most important, new parents need to realize that "this too shall pass." This
stage does not last forever, and good grace and humor go along ways. Though
I think a lot of the issues lie on dad's side and understanding, I do also
encourage moms to consider the needs of the fathers and try to be
*proactive*, not waiting until he is desperate, but perhaps planning
something in advance so that he feels important and not put off forever.

The real question, though, is this-- how many marriages are mature enough to
do what I've discussed above? For mom and dad to try to nurture each other
and meet in the middle? Having a baby is a real test of relationship AND
personal character........ did I marry to get my needs met, or to give to
someone else? The truth often comes out when a baby is born.

I think we need breastfeeding father support meetings led by mature fathers
who can share these things firsthand.

Lisa Marasco

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