Lisa -

Over the years I've given a lot of thought as to why so many women say so
many negative things to new/expectant young mothers, in the ways you
describe at your friend's shower. I've come to conclude a couple of things:

1) they're jealous. They are jealous of the joy and anticipation that comes
with expecting a new baby; of course the reality is never like the fantasy,
but living in the fantasy in anticipation is part of the whole giving-birth
scenario. So in a way, they're just grieving the loss of their own
fantasy-time. I notice this happening even with women who have every desire
to be sympathetic and supportive friends to the expectant ones. They grudge
their friend's happy dream world, even though they know full well that it
won't last long.

2) it's the equivalent of macho bragging: "Oh, you think *your* back hurts!
When I had little Poodleberry....". Kind of lets the other mothers know that
they're in the know too - that even though this expectant mom may be all
starry-eyed now, "we old-timers know what it's *really* like." Why else
would everyone be so quick to share their war stories of labor, birth, and
early BFing when common sense would tell you it's only going to scare the
poor girl (who's probably already terrified, but what are you gonna do?)?

3) it's self-protective (or so it seems to them); they're distancing
themselves from whatever guilt and sadness they may feel about their own
birth or early days of parenting. In the case of a woman who didn't BF, or
didn't share as much "attachment parenting" time as she might have,or who
just looks back and maybe wishes she'd done some things differently, it's a
kind of hardening into justification for the way she did do it. IME, the
more guilt and sorrow she feels for her own early parenting, the more harsh
she is about others' wishes. Sadly, as the years go by, this often turns
into what I think of as "The Perfect Mother Syndrome" - "I did
such-and-such, my children are fine, therefore the way I did it must be the
right way, therefore I have the right to hold myself up as a model of how
it's s'posed to be done." - and the less secure she is, or the more aware of
her own or her children's shortcomings, the brassier her tone.

How we mother our children is so overwhelmingly important to us that
anything that challenges what we did, even implicitly, cuts right to the
soul, and unfortunately, many of us react by flaring up and saying negative,
harsh things - that seems to be more socially acceptable than breaking down
and weeping because we wished, for example, that we had BF our babies,
because we knew it was the best thing to do, but now it's too late. Pretty
sad, wierd world sometimes, isn't it?

With compassion for all those harsh souls out there, 'cause I know it comes
from hurting,
Cathy Bargar, RN, IBCLC Ithaca NY

             ***********************************************
The LACTNET mailing list is powered by L-Soft's renowned
LISTSERV(R) list management software together with L-Soft's LSMTP(TM)
mailer for lightning fast mail delivery. For more information, go to:
http://www.lsoft.com/LISTSERV-powered.html