Dear Anne,
Even though I usually just lurk on LACTNET, I just had to respond to
your last post.  It is very hard working with families whose babies may
or have died.  In addition to being an RNC and IBCLC, I am also our
facilities Co-ordinator of our Perinatal Grief Program so I do much
talking to grieving parents.  I find that even when the baby has died,
the parents have a overwhelming need to talk about this baby and to have
someone support them in their feelings.  Many times, the only people who
allow the parents to talk are us.  Their families avoid them or avoid
talking about the baby to protect them, to not remind them of their
loss.  Remember, these parents HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN.  When you call, do
ask about the baby, show concern, convey your sorrow to them, allow them
to talk about their baby, and assist them with engorgement, decreasing
supply, and any others issues they might have.  Do not feel guilty if
they cry or become upset, they already were.  Do not say things like
"Maybe it's better"  "Have another one", or "Forget about him."  These
phrases hurt the parents who know that it is not better and they don't
want another baby, they want this one and they will never forget him or
her.  Some of my most rewarding relationships with patients have been
with those who have lost their baby or those I have helped with
breastfeeding disasters.  Even if we cannot change the outcome, we can
make a big difference in these parents lives.
Wendy Krzanowski  RNC,  IBCLC,  CCE
Uniontown,  PA