i loved pamela's post on this subject ! it touched on so many things  
i've often wondered. one query of hers i've developed an interesting  
theory about - how can a formerly sexually abused woman 'endure' the  
intimacy of conceiving the baby but not bfing it ?

i am a survivor of such abuse by a family member. it was actually  
probably one of the lesser tragedies of my childhood. i grew up in  
foster care and became emancipated by 16. i was always determined  
never to make any of the mistakes that had so affected me and think i  
did a pretty good job of breaking the cycle of abuse and addiction  
that has been in my biological family for generations as far back as  
anyone can r/m.

when i decided to bf, it was based on logic and that same desire to  
'do the best i can'. i'd read a brief blurb about how it was better  
than formula. i also had heard it was better for bonding and i knew  
i'd certainly not had any bonding in my own childhood and wanted to do  
better.

imagine my surprise to find i really didn't like it ! the swoony,  
lovey mother magic has never been there for  me. and i say this, a  
woman who has 5 children aged 8 yrs down to 10 mos and nary a one has  
had a drop of formula nor an artificial nipple in their mouths. i've  
been tandeming for over 7 yrs straight now and had 2 stints of nursing  
3 in there, as well. i've nursed through 4 pgcs entirely, nobody  
weaned - of course. no rest for the weary ! :-)

when i examine *why* i don't enjoy bfing, i want to initially write it  
off to all that my body has suffered and my resulting ambivalent  
feelings about it. the initial latch-on is perfectly fine for me, the  
rapid pace of the 1st hungry suckling is okay ... then the thirst hits  
me in a wave and i feel panicked and claustrophobic. if i'm pg and  
have sore nipples, the feeling is tripled to the point of making my  
skin crawl. i have absolutely positively never been able to tolerate  
nipple-twiddling of the free breast and no acrobatic nursing has ever  
been tolerable.

  thankfully, there hasn't been a free breast since #2 came along and  
they twiddle each other's hair and fingers instead. then the clamping  
down/pressure feeling of letdown makes my underarms tingle and itch  
maddeningly.  it goes on and on, the nipple tugging, the teeth  
scraping, the sucking their way back up the nipple like a straw when  
they startle from having dozed off, the fluttery, non-nutritive  
sucking that lets the tongue caress the nipple... for some reason, all  
of it makes my hair stand on end ! and yet my husband interacting w/  
my breasts sexually has not ever brought about the same reaction.

i've come to b/l for me  - and many other survivors - that it's more  
about the dependency needs going on during bfing. it's been so hard  
for me to allow myself to ever be dependent on anyone again after  
losing my own family. it's been a work in progress to let ppl be  
dependent on me. i found i was always guarded and a bit emotionally  
distanced, always.

then comes a baby. so much work and pain to be left w/ such a  
vulnerable, terrifyingly dependent person ! that i have to keep  
alive ! all of which hits home the most when s/he is literally  
attached to me and sucking his very existence from my breast. it  
doesn't get much more dependent and intimate than that.

  sexual intimacy isn't an accurate comparison b/c a sexual partner is  
not so dependent on you during sexual acts. you, who have secretly  
felt at times your body was disgusting and evil and had betrayed you  
and caused you so much misery ...  and sex can be endured b/c it  
doesn't last so terribly long, it can be done in the dark, and maybe  
you've learned to allow your body to be used by others while you shut  
down emotionally.

  not so w/ bfing. not only do you need light do do it in the  
beginning, but other ppl have to intrude and look and check and touch.  
( i will never forget the 1st nurse who tried to 'help' me latch on my  
1st premie son in the hosp. she pushed my gown open, grabbed my  
breast, thrust it at the baby and then pushed his head into it. i was  
simultaneously horrified and shamed at her callous treatment of my  
breast and concerned for the seemingly smothering baby !) the baby  
stares at you lovingly and beseechingly until the milk lets down, and  
then contededly... you can't absent yourself in the same way at all.  
you have to accept the gratitude and need and meet it.

so when i work w/ moms who have aversive feelings associated w/ bfing  
and they reveal past sexual abuse, i know exactly what they are  
dealing w/. i don't b/l it's wrong to encourage them to keep at it.  
quite the opposite, i think it's amazingly empowering. i can help them  
explore if it's actually direct associations w/ their breasts having  
been abused or more about the incredible intimacy and dependency going  
on.  and i can show them how to get through it ! i myself often have  
to distract myself during the more trying aspects of bfing.

a good book, a phone call to a friend, computer, tv, a snack i love,  
interacting w/ other kids. it's still  - after all these yrs of bfing  
you'd think i'd be desensitized by now ! - very hard for me to sit and  
gaze at my babies nursing. (one of them liked to try to drive his  
finger into the seal b/t his lips and my nipple and i wanted to bite  
his little finger off every time, so even while i am horrified by it,  
i can totally relate to that 'throw the baby into a wall' feeling.)

i have read and heard over the yrs many times ppl say that a depressed/ 
angry/sexually abused/reluctant mother should not bf. should not be  
pressured to bf. i simply can't agree. i think it can be one of the  
most rewarding, empowering, therapeutic things she can do - for  
herself and the baby.

  my 1st 2 sons bf'ed to self-weaning at 5. once weaned, i was of  
course nursing 2 more and they went through a stage of regret and  
wanting to bf again. i let them try tho i knew they'd lost the sucking  
reflex. they are 7 and 8 now and will tell anyone who asks, they'd  
still like to be nursing.

they are old enough to pick up on my discomfort nursing the 2 little  
ones now. i tell them it's not always as easy and nice for the mama as  
the baby. my 8 yo is shocked. he says, 'you LOVED bfing me !!' i don't  
disabuse him of this notion even as i laughingly recall that he was  
the offensive finger-intruder whose ears i could have cheerfully  
pulled off. i relate this story to say that i just don't think babies  
are so sensitive they internalize and harbor any ill emotions or  
memories from being nursed by a less than transcendentally ecstatic  
mother. and 'making it through' another nursing session never left me  
resenting the baby - quite the opposite. i find myself doing most of  
the physical lavishing of attention in the form of kisses and strokes  
and hugging after they've nursed. i'm so glad they're done and we both  
could do it !

i think omce a woman knows it's the basic first step in doing right by  
your baby, even if it's hard for her, we do her a great disservice in  
not helping her to do it. i'd never be able to live w/ myself if i'd  
given up b/c it was uncomfortable and not the lovefest i'd thought it  
would be. i think someone who has survived abuse and trauma is  
actually more able to accept the idea that this is not going to be  
easy, but you can do it and you *should* do it to give your baby  
better than you got, than a person who had a picture perfect life.

  part of the reason it works for me *is* that it isn't too good to be  
true. i've had to fight so much harder than most ppl for any of the  
meaningful things in my life, it feels quite right that this should be  
a bit of work, too. i would urge that we all not back away and admit  
defeat too quickly w/ mothers citing prior sexual abuse as a reason  
they can't reconcile maintaining bfing. if you explore educating and  
feeling them out a bit more about it, you might find them uniquely  
adapted to doing it even longer than the avg bf'er.

~jacqui gruttadauria, bsw
near detroit, michigan but getting ready to return home to california  
for vacation in a few days and can't wait !
www.myspace.com/mummaTOwldthings

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