This  message  was  originally   submitted  by  [log in to unmask]  to  the
CLASSICAL list  at HOME.EASE.LSOFT.COM. If  you simply  forward it back  to the
list, using a mail command that generates "Resent-" fields (ask your local user
   support or consult the documentation of your mail program if in doubt), it will
   be  distributed and  the  explanations  you are  now  reading  will be  removed
   automatically. If on the other hand you edit the contributions you receive into
   a digest, you will have to  remove this paragraph manually. Finally, you should
   be able  to contact  the author  of this  message by  using the  normal "reply"
   function of your mail program.

   ----------------- Message requiring your approval (96 lines) ------------------
   From an American singer-director, who prefers to remain anonymous for the
   sake of possible future employment -

   How to Opera Germanly:

   1) The director is the most important personality involved in
   the production. His vision must supercede the needs of the
   composer, librettist, singers and especially the audience, those
   overfed fools who want to be entertained and moved.

   2) The second most important personality is the set designer.

   3) Comedy is verboten, except when unintentional. Wit is for TV
   watching idiots.

   4) Great acting is hyperintensity, with much rolling and the
   ground, groping the wall and sitting on a bare floor.

   5) The audience's attention must be on anything except the person
   who is singing. A solo aria, outmoded even in the last century,
   must be accompanied by extraneous characters expressing their
   angst in trivial ways near, on or about the person singing the
   aria.

   6) Storytelling is anathema to the modern director, like realistic
   "photographic" painting is to the abstract painter. Don't tell
   the story, COMMENT on it! Even better, UNDERMINE IT!

   7) When singing high notes, the singer must be crumpled over,
   lying down or facing the back of the stage.

   8) The music must stop once in awhile for intense, obscure miming.

   9) Sexual scenes must be charmless and aggressive. Rolling on
   the floor a must here.

   10) Unmotivated homosexual behavior must be introduced a few
   times during the evening.

   11) Happy endings are intellectually bankrupt. Play the opposite.
   Insert a sudden murder if at all possible.

   12) Avoid entertaining the audience at all costs. If they boo,
   you have succeeded.

   13) Rehearse it until it's dead. Very important.

   14) Any suggestion of the beauty and mystery of nature must be
   avoided at all costs! The set must be trivial, contemporary and
   decrepit! Don't forget the fluorescent lights! (Klieg lights
   also acceptable.)

   15) The audience must not know when to applaud or when the
   scene/act ends.

   16) Historical atrocities such as the Holocaust or the AIDS
   epidemic must be incorporated and exploited as much as possible.
   Also the lifestyle of the audience must be mocked.

   17) Colors are culinary. Black, white and gray only!

   18) The chorus must be bald, sexless, faceless and in trench
   coats.

   19) If the audience is bored, this is art.\

   20) Props are items of junk piled in a corner of the set. They
   must be overused pointlessly, then dropped on the floor, hopefully
   when the music is soft. Be careful to keep dangerous objects at
   the lip of the stage so the blindfolded dancers can kick them
   into the pit.

   21) All asides must be sung next to the person who is not supposed
   to hear them.

   22) The leading performers faces must be painted as a white mask
   to ensure no individuality or variety of expressions, as opera
   singers can't act anyway. They just want to pose and make pretty
   sounds.

   23) Preparation is important. Try to read the libretto in advance
   to make sure it doesn't interfere with your staging ideas. Not
   much harm in listening to the CD once, though that's not really
   your job.

   24) Make the conductor feel useful, though he's really a literal
   minded hack.

   25) The stage director must avoid any idea that is not his own, though that
   idea will surely be on this list already.

   26) A costume must serve at least two of the following criteria: a) Make the
   singer look unattractive b) Obscure his vision c) Make hearing the orchestra
   difficult d) Impede movement d) Contradict the period in which the opera is
   set (hardly worth mentioning)

Janos Gereben/SF
[log in to unmask]