Re the whole discussion of "don't offer, don't refuse" --

seems to me we have two extremes here, and not a lot of tolerance for the
middle ground

on the one hand, you have the 'extreme' attachment-parent types who nurse
the baby at any squeak, never put the baby down, nurse until the child wants
to wean, even if that is long past when the mother herself would have
preferred

on the other hand, you have the 'extreme' non-attachment-parent types who
nurse on a rigid 4 hour schedule, never pick the baby up, make the baby
sleep in a separate room, don't respond to cries, and wean at 6 months or
whenever

When pressed as to how long I recommend mothers and children should
breastfeed, I always say that I think it should be entirely up to the mother
and child.  Give the mother accurate information about what is normal for
the species (2.5 to 7 years), what is recommended by various health agencies
(a minimum of 2 years by the WHO, no maximum; a minimum of 1 year by the
AAP, no maximum), what the research suggests (increasing benefits up to the
age of 2 years, no research there after).  Then let the mother and child
decide.  I see nothing wrong with the mother deciding that it is time to
wean -- whenever that may be.  Hopefully she takes all the information into
account, as well as her own child's needs, personality, health, etc.  Can
you tell I weaned two of my children?  The only child that practiced
child-led weaning was Peter, who refused to nurse any more at the tender age
of 4 months.

I am also a firm believer in pre-emptive nursing.  This is when you offer to
nurse even though the child is doing something else because you are getting
ready to go somewhere in the car, or getting ready to go somewhere you don't
feel comfortable nursing, etc.  So you get in a nursing before you leave the
house.  Just like sending the older child to the potty right before you get
in the car.

I don't think advocating "Child in Charge" is any more useful in the real
world than advocating "Mother in Charge".  Breastfeeding is an intimate
physical relationship between two people, both of whose needs and wishes
should be taken into account.

Kathy Dettwyler
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