This is my first post to lactnet, and I want to thank you all for giving me
a tremendous education in this field. I hope to someday be able to help
babies and nursing mothers as a peer counselor or ibclc. 

I'm writing to thank you SO much for the post you made to LACTNET below. As
a nursing mom to a 17 month old, on the "front lines" as it were, I am
dealing with this topic every single time I leave the house. I have to
constantly balance the needs of my child and the fear of who I might cross
paths with. Even with people (perhaps "especially" with people I feel
closeness with or some other connection) I have to decide how to nurse as
carefully as possible, sometimes leaving their line of sight. I always feel
disappointed in myself when I end up doing that, but most often I grit my
teeth and think to myself "it's their problem not mine, it's their problem
not mine...", or some other mantra to give myself the strength to keep my
ground. I feel that it is important for me to do this, not just to nurse my
child, but because there are mothers who still feel they need to be careful
not to offend perfect strangers. I  certainly would never expect or pressure
a mom to nurse more publicly than she is comfrtable with, but I can hope
that every once and a while one might see me nursing and feel a little more
comfortable. Thank you for reminding (hopefully) some of the people who need
to be most supportive. It is very dis-heartening when people on our own
side, professionals even, start back tracking to appease others. It reminds
me of the issue at the root of most of my peers not breastfeeding, which is
that they simply don't know how important it is (at least, thats what I have
to believe, I mean, it isn't really possible for a human being to understand
the consequences of not nursing and still make that conscious
decision,right?) , because we can never be really honest and tell them it is
NOT just as good to bottle feed, it might make them feel bad.

I also want to point out how rediculous it is to start down the path of
there being "different comfort levels" and bring up how a generation ago a
prgnant woman may have felt she needed to hide at home. No matter how
puritanical or strictly against seeing female flesh (or imagining, since I
have never seen a mother nursing her child in public who was showing
anywhere near the cleavage or other skin that you might see on the next
woman walking down the street in fashionable clothes) someone may be, it
does NOT give them the right to impose their belief on a nursing mother (or
a samesex couple, or a bi-racial couple, or anyone else that is protected by
laws) and we wouldn't dare excuse their expressions of disgust toward other
protected classes. 

I'm sorry if I misunderstood any of the points made in the original or
responding posts, and I hope my own writing was somewhat intelligible! 

very indescretely nak-ing,  ;-)
Rebekah

Date:    Thu, 19 Apr 2007 02:08:10 +0100
From:    Morgan Gallagher <[log in to unmask] >
Subject: Wiessingerising the discourse: banning the word 'discrete'

- - - - - - - - - -
"So... some people are uncomfortable with breastfeeding in public, and
they're not all in Texas, and it doesn't necessarily mean they are
uncomfortable with breastfeeding *period*. Let's figure out how we can all
work together so that everyone sees mothering as valuable.

Jo-Anne "
- - - - - - - - -

I'm all for women nursing where and when they feel comfortable.  Even
'though I had been a nude artist model before I had my baby, I was shocked
by how vulnerable I felt about nursing in public.  I felt exposed and at
risk.  It took some time for that to go as my confidence grow.  And then, of
course, I had to watch the uncomfortable exposed feeling grow again, as my
cute newborn became an active toddler.

However, that didn't mean I had the right to consider other women nursing in
public as either offensive, or felt I had to right to dictate what they did
or not do with their babies.

I guess I'm trying hard to understand your post, Jo-Anne, for as I do agree
that all women have a right to nurse how they wish, I don't agree in the
inference that this means they can also dictate how others nurse.  If
another mother has a problem with me breastfeeding in front of her in a
common area - she has the right to move.  She does not have the right to
make me move.  Apologies if that's not what you meant - it does read that
way. I personally will not move to make her more comfortable, as I'd be
reinforcing that it is inappropriate for me to nurse my child.   I'll engage
in discourse, and swapping opinions etc, but I won't be made to feel that
I'm doing anything offensive.

Signalling clearly here I'm off on a personal rant now: which is why I
changed the header...

This strikes to the very heart of the issues, and the problems we face.
Nursing in public - in whatever way the mother wishes to do so - is not open
for discussion in my book.  Just like individual mother's rights to only do
what they are comfortable with is absolutely fine.   No women who is nursing
in public should ever be seen as doing anything wrong.   And they certainly
shouldn't be made to feel that they are bringing problems down on themselves
by either failing to be discrete, or by alienating those mothers who are
'discrete'.

However, what should be said, is once again, how we use the word 'discrete'
and thus give everyone a big stick to beat us with.  As soon as we say "I
was nursing discretely" we set up the notion that it is an inappropriate
thing to do - hence why we need to do it covertly, or with special care not
to offend.  We also immediately condemn those mothers who are not
'discrete': we accept they exist and we deny we are part of _that_ problem.
 Who are these indiscrete mothers, that we constantly have to point out
that we aren't one of them?  Where are these mothers, nursing their children
with both breasts exposed, as they squirt passers by in the eyes as they
flaunt their indiscrete bodies?   I've never ever seen a baby nursed
indiscretely!

We give this huge stick to others, and then they use it to complain that "I
don't mind about women breastfeeding in public, as long as they do it
discretely" and then lo and behold, the discourse is no longer about
breastfeeding, and is about 'discreteness'.  Breastfeeding as a subject for
serious discussion in our society once more swept aside so we can all argue
about how much of a women's body is or isn't discrete in any public
situation.

And finally, of course, when we use the word 'discrete' we condemn mothers
of toddlers to either weaning, or never nursing in public.  For no active
toddler can be held in nice contained 'discrete' bundles.  Many many mothers
wean when babies get their head controls all sorted out, as they can no
longer be 'discrete'.  Even though no one has ever actually managed to
define what 'discrete' means.  The orignal one sized fits all word.

It's time this discourse was Wiessingerised.  It's time we started to
discuss mothers nursing in public in terms of personal comfort zones.  In
terms of them feeling safe and secure, not whether or not they felt they
were being 'discrete'.  For that's what most women mean when they start with
"I was nursing discretely when... "  What they usually mean is "I looked at
where I was, who was there, I settled myself out of the way and felt safe
that no-one could criticize me... and still I got a nasty comment."    It's
a defence word; held up as a shield so that others don't condem: "Don't
shout at me, I was doing it really really covertly. I was really trying not
to offend."

It is a word of apology.

No mother has to nurse in public - it's entirely about how safe and secure
she feels in her own body, and her own relationship with her child.  No
mother should ever feel she's letting the side down if she doesn't nurse in
public: it's her body and her sense of self that chooses.  It's her sense of
overall safety and comfort.  If she wants to experiment with ways that make
her feel safer, more secure, less vulnerable, then it's wonderful that we
have a lot of excellent resources to give her.   But let us remove the word
'discrete' from those resources.

Those of us who are out there, not only nursing babies but toddlers, just
like the women in the RHM house, are on the front lines in the war to get
human milk into human children.  We're the ones carrying the colours into
enemy territory, and refusing to be bowed, no matter how hard and painful
and exposing and threatening it is to do sometimes.  (Because sometimes,
those darned pesky toddlers need nursing no matter how much you feel exposed
in doing so.)  We are the ones who are normalising nursing.  Everytime we do
manage to nurse in public - especially with those pesky toddlers - we make
it easier for the next mother along behind us.  Should she choose to follow.

Nursing mothers are a broad cloth.  We need to hold both ends in the debate
equally.  Nursing mothers who chose not to nurse unless they are in a super
safe and contained space deserve support and resources and a space to
discuss their opinions.  They cannot, however, deem themselves more
superior, or more 'accomodating', or more 'sensitive' than those who have
different boundaries.  And no nursing mother needs to feel bad for not
accomodating another's 'comfort level'.  To end on a really good icon in use
in several places at the moment - "If the sight of me nursing my baby
offends you - please feel free to put a blanket over your head."

Morgan Gallagher
Online Lactaneer
Nursing 26 month old -  in public, with pride, if some trepidation.

             ***********************************************

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