>
>
>She needs to own the breastfeeding, not you.
>I sense you are caught up in her anxiety and she is not compliant.
>
I sense that this mother has multiple issues. (She feels the need to
hide the fact she is breastfeeding; this is a red flag about feeling
controlled by people or outside factors, for me.) I am a wee bit
concerned about the use of the word "compliant" by IBCLCs... perhaps not
as concerned as I am about HCPs expressing themselves in a way that one
is led to believe that they are "allowing" a mother to breastfeed or
not, and perhaps I am concerned only because I have high expectations of
our profession.

Setting limits / boundaries is perfectly acceptable. Encouraging a
mother to "own" the situation is perfectly appropriate. Sometimes we do
this best by saying (and thinking) "You know your family / baby best.
You are suggesting this doesn't work for you. How can I help you do what
does work, and still ensure that your baby is getting what s/he needs?"
After all, it isn't the reality of the toddler's behaviour or of the
home situation that matters, it's her perception / experience of them.

When a mother is depressed or overwhelmed, it is *very* common for her
to pick holes in the greatest of plans. What mothers like this sometimes
do is present a series of what you've called "excuses" -- but they are,
in fact, real psychological barriers. I do the same thing, and people
who love me shrug and say, "Nothing is going to work, right?" to remind
me to get my act together. As a helper, the same behaviour is not
necessarily appropriate, and my suggestion may just as well be a
passive-aggressive way of expressing the same feelings as the mother, as
it is an appropriate entry in the Lactnet communication program. Maybe
it is just that I've had to shrug with my children (and friends!) and
say, well, if you want creative, I guess you can't expect compliant...

What do others think?

Jo-Anne Elder-Gomes, PhD, IBCLC, word-Fury

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