>>That's not how I want to spend time with him feeding him --setting him
upright, etc.  It's not the hassle that bothers me, it's the idea that
you do it only if you must.  Kinda sucks. It's like the understudy being
told to take a few of the primetime performances and then being told
just as quickly to get off the stage."<<

This guy may have issues. He chose a very interesting analogy for his
wife and himself-- as the star and the understudy.

I worked briefly with a homeless couple many years ago. Mom gave birth
to their fourth child and wanted to breastfeed; it would have been her
first breastfed child, and they were certainly in no position to buy
formula! The hospital staff was concerned about the well-being of the
baby after discharge, and I was called to the hospital to "help mom."
What I discovered was that mom's "problems" were not with breastfeeding
or the baby, but with dad. It became very apparent early on that he
resented the attention his wife was getting and wanted it for himself.
He didn't want her to breastfeed because then she was the "center of
attention" with babe in arms. Whenever someone would enter the hospital
room and start talking with mom, he would quickly silence mom and take
over the conversation. He also took over the baby. In the end, he spoke
for mom and said that they were going to bottle feed, among other
reasons so that he could bond with baby. I observed the other children
while working at the shelter and could tell that there was no wonderful
fatherly bond; he was rough on them and would likely be the same with
this baby. Dad was eventually kicked out of the shelter for being
obnoxious-- and took his family with him back to the streets.

Rebecca, I'm not trying to draw direct parallels between the dad you are
working with and the dad I worked with years ago, but I do want to point
out that sometimes it goes beyond the formula marketing and can be a
personality/relationship dysfunction. How is mom feeling about dad's
reactions?  I'm wondering if she could use some empowering, as well as
some coaching on how to make dad feel important.

One of the angles I will try with dads is to talk about how people *do*
bond, using the husband-wife relationship as a prime example. I ask them
what enhances their bond with each other? They often aren't quite sure,
and then I ask, is it feeding each other? Or is it touching? They will
often laugh at the idea of feeding to bond with their mate, and will
quickly agree that touch is very important. I then go on to point out
that one of the reasons that breastfeeding promotes bonding better than
bottle-feeding *is because of the constant contact it forces between
mother and child.* I point out that holding and touch are the real power
tools, not feeding. And then I point out all the opportunities to hold
and touch baby beyond feeding.

Some La Leche League groups hold couple's meetings, and these can be
invaluable for new dads to get input from other, more seasoned fathers
on the whole fathering a breastfed baby thing. If there is such a group
near by, or a similar type support group through the hospital, that
could be a good place to send them. Some hospitals offer new father
mentoring programs, which could be another way of helping ease dad's
anxieties.

If dad is at all the reading type, I highly recommend Bill Sear's book
"Becoming a Father." Bill does a great job of re-framing fatherhood and
helping dads understand how fathers bond and what nurtures the marriage
relationship best. If dad doesn't want to read it, mom could still read
it for validation of feelings as well as help on what and how to
communicate with dad over all of this.

~Lisa Marasco

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