"Fleur's point is well taken.   I did not mean to suggest that a baby  shouldn't nurse for security and comfort all they want."

And I certainly did not mean to suggest that you felt that babies shouldn't nurse for comfort. :)

My concern is with equating food with love. Please don't take this personally, or as an attack on what you wrote, I am replying to the list because I feel it is an important point and I'm curious about what other people think. I thought that what you wrote was beautiful and I agree that it is very important for dads to understand that they don't need to feed their baby to bond with him/her. 

"A father is the first person to teach his baby that love doesn’t have to come with food".

To me, the above line implies that a mother's love is all about her breastmilk. I'm quite sure you don't believe that, and that's not what you meant when you wrote it, but I can see it being interpreted as such. 

If a father is the first to teach his baby that love doesn't have to come with food, it implies that the mother is teaching her baby that love does have to come with food. This is just my opinion, but I don't think babies differentiate between mom and her breastmilk. It is all part of the mother package. It's the relationship that matters, not the food. I think there is too much emphasis in society on the importance of breastmilk, and not enough emphasis on the importance of the relationship. I think that's probably why we have so many fathers who believe that they have to feed their baby to bond with them. We talk about breastfeeding as being the best way for a mother to bond with her baby, and I certainly believe that, but most people equate breastfeeding with breastmilk, rather than thinking of it as a unique relationship that includes skin-to-skin contact, warmth, smell, taste, the sound of mom's voice, eye contact, comfort, security  etc etc. The food (breastmilk) is part of it, but certainly not all of it. A baby doesn't love his mother because she provides him with food. 

Fathers are not the only ones who believe that they must feed their baby to bond with him. Mothers feel it too, and they are also victims of society's focus on the milk rather than the relationship, because then they feel like failures if they are unable to breastfeed, or unable to breastfeed exclusively  (whether it is due to medical reasons, poor breastfeeding management due to poor advice, lack of support etc).  These days most people know that "breast is best" (and I think that message needs to change as well, but that is different topic), but they see it as "breastmilk" is best, and most parents don't have an understanding of how important the relationship is (which ties into the pump and bottle feed mentality that many mothers have these days). 

I think it is important to try and avoid the association between food and love. Love has nothing to do with the food, whether it is coming from mom, dad or any other family member friend etc. Love for a baby (for any of us for that matter) is all about the feelings of happiness. contentment, safety, security etc that come from the close relationships we have with the people in our lives. The breastmilk that happens to come along with those feelings for a nursing baby is an added benefit, but certainly not the reason why the baby loves/needs his mother.

Anne, you illustrate the relationship aspect beautifully in what you wrote, it's only the last line that I disagree with. :)

Warmly,
Fleur Bickford BSc., RN, IBCLC, LLLL
Ontario, Canada

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