Sue Kasten got dumped on over the phone by a couple who was feeling bad
about something, possibly BF related, and misinterpreted her expression of
sympathy as an expression of judgmental regret that they were doing the
wrong thing.

As others have said, the strength of their reaction is the best proof that
they don't feel good about things, but it's their prerogative to share that
with whoever they choose.  Sue certainly did nothing wrong and nothing to
deserve getting the brunt of their anger.  If your toes are already sore,
the other person merely needs to brush past them to make you yell OUCH.

Another way to reply which I have found helpful is to simply ask 'And how
was that for you?' or 'How is that going for you?' when I learn that a
mother has stopped BF very early, for example in between discharge from
hospital and returning for a PKU test or a bili check.

If she seems fine about it, I leave the topic and move on, though I may ask
about physical signs of engorgement/mastitis just to make sure I don't
overlook any problems.

If she looks blank, I ask if she is bothered by painful engorgement, if she
is taking care of herself to avoid more discomfort or even mastitis because
most of these mothers have stopped due to pain and soreness and are very
vulnerable to mastitis.

If she feels bad and wants to talk about it, that's fine, and if it seems
appropriate we discuss the option of starting up again, with the offer of
ongoing follow-up as needed.  It's a minefield because BF gets us in the
core of our being, and I mean *both* - we who help and we who mother.

And, I also ask how she experienced the care she got from us at the
hospital.  Did she feel respected in her wishes, did she get the info and
help she needed, and (if appropriate) is there anything she could suggest
for us in order to give better care to a mother who doesn't want to BF?

It is humbling to see how unexpected this approach is to the mothers.  They
may feel OK about their decision but are prepared to be judged for it, and
they certainly aren't expecting anyone to care if their breasts are hurting
or want their opinion of the care they got.

I realize that the problem is of a different nature here where over 98% of
mothers initiate BF.  We really do need to be extra solicitous of those who
don't start, or who stop before BF is well established.
Rachel Myr
Norway

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