Lynn writes:


>I would not be surprised if those moms
>who CIO have de-tuned themselves from their children in a very visceral,
>fundamental way.

I think what we know about attachment would back you up, Lynn.

Here is an observation I may have shared before:  I note that many of 
the authors of books which advocate scheduled feeding or ignoring 
babies' clear need for contact and comfort have gained their 
experiences as nannies,  childminders, nursery nurses. They *have* to 
avoid becoming too close to the children in their care, otherwise it 
would be repeatedly distressing for them (given they have to move on 
to the next family at some point). Ignoring the baby's needs 
*protects the carer* - at the expense of the baby, of course. The 
advice to schedule feeds, ignore cries, have a rigid approach to naps 
and sleeping etc is great advice for nannies who don't want to crack 
up, but totally rubbish advice for mothers and babies. Yes, to ignore 
a child's crying you have to 'de-tune' yourself. It's easier to 
'de-tune'  if someone did the same with you when you were a baby, of 
course, which is why it is such an insidious thing.

Today's foster parents, who care for children often from very 
troubled even abusive backgrounds, are trained and supported to do 
the opposite, I am glad to say. Getting close is really important for 
these little ones, so they have the opportunity to experience love 
and responsiveness from *someone* - foster parents have to say 
goodbye at some point, and if they are any good as foster parents, 
this will be very sad for them....but they have created the very best 
emotional environment for these babies. It's so sad that parents 
hear, read and see that they should not do this.

Heather Welford Neil
NCT bfc, tutor, UK

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